This is my first blog and I'm not as active as I'd like to be. But this blog has always been more personal. I post here when my emotions are strong, when what I have to say I hope resonates with another, and when I just need to clear the air.
Which leads me to 'grounding.' I'll go ahead and say it - I hate bars and in general, public places. The energies present tend to magnify in me, making me uneasy and I want to bolt. When "X" and I were together, I only went out with him. Because I could ground into him and feel safe. Obviously I haven't been able to ground into him for years, but I transferred that responsibility to friends.
I finished the Forrest Yoga Foundation training recently and also have started testing out a radical concept for me - grounding in myself. Egad. I know and realize, for most people, that won't make sense. I mean, bars are not scary and for an extrovert (like I am), bars and other places are actually energizing. But they've always freaked me the EFF out. I've gone out a few times with friends and each time, rather than latch onto a friends emotion and ride that for the night, I latched onto my own emotion.
I've learned that the best and strongest grounding force I have is me. Even a crazier concept for me to understand. But I feel strong and can honestly say I haven't had a moment when I want to bolt - which is entirely new to me. The power to reach into the earth by activating my feet, by slowing my breath, and by finding the fire (or light) within myself is awesome. And it's from myself that I'm finding new strength to put myself out there. There's more to come but I know - I'm getting stronger everyday. And I want to make everyone around me stronger.
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Letting go
I'm currently in the midst of a second yoga teacher training, this time for Forrest Yoga. If you've never heard of Forrest, just a few things to say - 1) Note the two "R's" so named after a person (Ana Forrest) rather than a gathering of trees; 2) It's an all encompassing healing style of yoga - from physical pain to emotional. And I'm learning that often times, these pains are tied very strongly together. Yoga teaches that strong emotional events leave a mark (scar) in an area or part of the body; Forrest is teaching me how to find that scar and replace it with a strong, good energy through breath work and asana practice.
Because of my history with my X and the tough time I had immediately after his death, I was drawn strongly to Forrest classes when I came back to yoga. It was a safe place for me to cry, to yell, or to lion's breath shit out. I knew when I took my first teacher training that at some point, I would go for Forrest as well. And here I am.
Something Ana said this morning rang true to me - that often times, after a loved one dies, we hold onto their ghost, rather than their memory. The moral of that is that it's time I let X go - for both our healing. And I am not gonna lie, it's scary.
I have a lot of guilt still about him - sometimes when I walk Baxter, some memory/sound/smell hits me and I remember he won't walk our boy ever again. I have guilt that I'm living my life for me, still searching for my happy.
And I feel guilty when I start to forget what he sounded like or looked like. He had a way of saying my name that I will always cherish. I'm working on moving that from holding his ghost to me and changing it to a memory I can smile about.
I'm just over halfway done with training and my struggle will be to continue to remove shields that I've put up to protect myself when in reality, they are just keeping me from life. I will also allow X to go. The memories I have of him are enough to last me a lifetime. And it's time for me to get out there and live.
Because of my history with my X and the tough time I had immediately after his death, I was drawn strongly to Forrest classes when I came back to yoga. It was a safe place for me to cry, to yell, or to lion's breath shit out. I knew when I took my first teacher training that at some point, I would go for Forrest as well. And here I am.
Something Ana said this morning rang true to me - that often times, after a loved one dies, we hold onto their ghost, rather than their memory. The moral of that is that it's time I let X go - for both our healing. And I am not gonna lie, it's scary.
I have a lot of guilt still about him - sometimes when I walk Baxter, some memory/sound/smell hits me and I remember he won't walk our boy ever again. I have guilt that I'm living my life for me, still searching for my happy.
And I feel guilty when I start to forget what he sounded like or looked like. He had a way of saying my name that I will always cherish. I'm working on moving that from holding his ghost to me and changing it to a memory I can smile about.
I'm just over halfway done with training and my struggle will be to continue to remove shields that I've put up to protect myself when in reality, they are just keeping me from life. I will also allow X to go. The memories I have of him are enough to last me a lifetime. And it's time for me to get out there and live.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Who is the person you want to be?
This is going to be a much sought after political style rambling that covers current events and hopefully brings us all back to answer the question - what kind of person do I want to be?
Oklahoma attempted a death penalty via lethal injection yesterday; I say attempted because by all accounts, including prison officials, the drug combination failed. And the man suffered through god only knows what for a period of time before dying of a heart attack. First let's understand - he died of a heart attack. Not heart failure. The lethal combination of drugs is meant to bring on failure of both lungs and heart. Heart attacks, as described by survivors, are painful. It's not your heart failing but your heart literally working too hard.
Family members of the victim often say things like "he didn't let me loved one die peacefully" or "she was callous and calculated in killing my family; I want the same for you." That's all well and good. I do not know what those family members have been through. But I do know what it's like to be the one that goes on after a shocking, unexpected death. It's fucking hard. I've described myself in the days after "X" as a vase thrown to the ground. Part of me still thinks I may never find all of the pieces but I have healed/glued areas of my life back together. Yes, it's awful and miserable and quite frankly shitty to think that I'm living and yet he isn't. That is my daily cross. But I ask myself daily - what would he want? And families of victims possibly ask the same.
I'll go ahead and jump into the death penalty issue here and now. My junior year of college, I took an "Intro to Criminal Justice" class and at one point, the class was broken into three groups - those in support of; those against; and those undecided about the death penalty. I fell in the last one - unsure. I thought it had merits but I wasn't sure. The two decided sides had the job of convincing us that theirs was the right way to think. And one thing stands out in my memory after all these years - those in support of the death penalty were aggressively debating their side; they were ANGRY that the other side existed and that I could be so 'clueless' as to not have chosen a side. They talked loudly, made gestures, and continually cut off the against debaters, only to have me answer the question of my title right there - I do not want to be one of them.
So who do we want to be? As a society. Do we want to be a society of vengeance, anger, hate, and contempt? Or can we, as a society as a whole, finally start learning what compassion is. Not only what it is, but what it looks like, or better yet, FEELS like. The justice system, for all of it's wisdom from the Constitution, is to be just that - the collective conscience of our nation. The Constitution itself protects us from cruel or unusual punishments. The death penalty, especially the death penalty with a drug combination that FAILS, is both cruel and unusual. And that conscience that speaks to all of us should see the wrong of it all.
Oklahoma attempted a death penalty via lethal injection yesterday; I say attempted because by all accounts, including prison officials, the drug combination failed. And the man suffered through god only knows what for a period of time before dying of a heart attack. First let's understand - he died of a heart attack. Not heart failure. The lethal combination of drugs is meant to bring on failure of both lungs and heart. Heart attacks, as described by survivors, are painful. It's not your heart failing but your heart literally working too hard.
Family members of the victim often say things like "he didn't let me loved one die peacefully" or "she was callous and calculated in killing my family; I want the same for you." That's all well and good. I do not know what those family members have been through. But I do know what it's like to be the one that goes on after a shocking, unexpected death. It's fucking hard. I've described myself in the days after "X" as a vase thrown to the ground. Part of me still thinks I may never find all of the pieces but I have healed/glued areas of my life back together. Yes, it's awful and miserable and quite frankly shitty to think that I'm living and yet he isn't. That is my daily cross. But I ask myself daily - what would he want? And families of victims possibly ask the same.
I'll go ahead and jump into the death penalty issue here and now. My junior year of college, I took an "Intro to Criminal Justice" class and at one point, the class was broken into three groups - those in support of; those against; and those undecided about the death penalty. I fell in the last one - unsure. I thought it had merits but I wasn't sure. The two decided sides had the job of convincing us that theirs was the right way to think. And one thing stands out in my memory after all these years - those in support of the death penalty were aggressively debating their side; they were ANGRY that the other side existed and that I could be so 'clueless' as to not have chosen a side. They talked loudly, made gestures, and continually cut off the against debaters, only to have me answer the question of my title right there - I do not want to be one of them.
So who do we want to be? As a society. Do we want to be a society of vengeance, anger, hate, and contempt? Or can we, as a society as a whole, finally start learning what compassion is. Not only what it is, but what it looks like, or better yet, FEELS like. The justice system, for all of it's wisdom from the Constitution, is to be just that - the collective conscience of our nation. The Constitution itself protects us from cruel or unusual punishments. The death penalty, especially the death penalty with a drug combination that FAILS, is both cruel and unusual. And that conscience that speaks to all of us should see the wrong of it all.
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Politics as usual….
This post has been a long time coming. And it comes when one state, Arizona, is poised to have a bill signed into law by the governor that specifically allows for businesses to discriminate against me because of "strongly held religious beliefs." Seriously. That whole clause about "separation of church and state" is completely ignored by this bill (and other bills that have thankfully been failing). But why. I've asked the question before "Why my sin" but that question remains unanswered. Why do the religious right think they've been discriminated against to the degree that they have to make it legal to discriminate against me?
They haven't. Quite frankly. Capitalism is the rule of "I'll take my business where I want," and that's fine. If I were to get married, I would seek out planners and caterers and cake makers that not only accept but embrace homosexual couples. Because love is love. I would avoid those companies that look at my sin, while serving pork or shrimp at other receptions.
But the problem with religious discrimination bills isn't just that they target me, they target us all. Arizona, let's play a hypothetical game. Let's say your a business owner that doesn't like "illegal immigrants." What does religious freedom give you now - you can not serve these people of your community based on their skin color but call it some obscene rule under giving what is Caesar to Caesar (tax reference that many tea partiers unfortunately believe these immigrants pay no taxes).
It allows a protestant business owner the right to discriminate against a man wearing his kippah; or a woman wearing her veils. Because they are different. That's what it amounts to - legal discrimination based on someone being different than self.
We as a country have come further than this; we have more ground to cover but it's thought like this that takes us back to separate drinking fountains; the back of buses; and hate words being talked about on radio and TV by personalities that have no right to cast the first stone.
What can we do - we can show love. We can practice respect. We can understand that the differences we all have aren't to be feared but to be celebrated. And lifted.
If you think Arizona is doing the right thing, tell me. To my face. That I'm less than you. Chances are that you won't. But if you're honest and you do, expect me to look at you with pity. Because if you know me and you can't celebrate me, what kind of hate do you have in your life?
They haven't. Quite frankly. Capitalism is the rule of "I'll take my business where I want," and that's fine. If I were to get married, I would seek out planners and caterers and cake makers that not only accept but embrace homosexual couples. Because love is love. I would avoid those companies that look at my sin, while serving pork or shrimp at other receptions.
But the problem with religious discrimination bills isn't just that they target me, they target us all. Arizona, let's play a hypothetical game. Let's say your a business owner that doesn't like "illegal immigrants." What does religious freedom give you now - you can not serve these people of your community based on their skin color but call it some obscene rule under giving what is Caesar to Caesar (tax reference that many tea partiers unfortunately believe these immigrants pay no taxes).
It allows a protestant business owner the right to discriminate against a man wearing his kippah; or a woman wearing her veils. Because they are different. That's what it amounts to - legal discrimination based on someone being different than self.
We as a country have come further than this; we have more ground to cover but it's thought like this that takes us back to separate drinking fountains; the back of buses; and hate words being talked about on radio and TV by personalities that have no right to cast the first stone.
What can we do - we can show love. We can practice respect. We can understand that the differences we all have aren't to be feared but to be celebrated. And lifted.
If you think Arizona is doing the right thing, tell me. To my face. That I'm less than you. Chances are that you won't. But if you're honest and you do, expect me to look at you with pity. Because if you know me and you can't celebrate me, what kind of hate do you have in your life?
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Daily...
"'X' come back."
It's been over two years. I know that. Fuck, do I know it. But "'X come back'" is a phrase that for two years, I have said out loud or thought at some point. Daily. And with that thought of bringing him back, what could I do….
I was in a therapy group. And I said in that group "I would do anything, including sacrificing one of you, to get him back." While on my yogi journey that's not appropriate, the underlying statement is - I would give anything to have him back - even in the form of friend. Someone in the group said something along the lines of "You (me) couldn't take him." To which I thought - hell hath no fury like….
I'm coming up to the two year mark on when I scattered his ashes on a mountain over-looking the ocean. The exact spot, only I now where. The general vicinity, a few people know. The spot was one that he took me to on one of our first vacations together as a couple. It. Is. Beautiful. To say the least. He was deserving of it.
See, here's the dilemma - what if the man that you loved died.
And you (I) never stopped loving him. I believe when he broke up with me, he took a chunk of my heart. And I never got it back before he died. I love the concept of love. And many days, I think I'm capable of it. I have fears of love though too. And that's where my problem lies.
There is currently another. The "boy," as I call him to people that don't know him personally, is competing against a perfect ghost. X was a great man. He had his faults; I have my faults; we had our faults as couple; but in my memory, he is perfect.
And the boy gets this. He's gently, VERY gently pointed things out along my path to life again - X broke up with me; X did this…; X did that….; I did this…; I did that…
The concept of love and marriage is so amazing to me. I get twitterpated. (check out Bambi). Being in love is an amazing feeling. And I hope that with the boy, or whomever comes along, I can somehow find my whole heart. And give it back.
It's been over two years. I know that. Fuck, do I know it. But "'X come back'" is a phrase that for two years, I have said out loud or thought at some point. Daily. And with that thought of bringing him back, what could I do….
I was in a therapy group. And I said in that group "I would do anything, including sacrificing one of you, to get him back." While on my yogi journey that's not appropriate, the underlying statement is - I would give anything to have him back - even in the form of friend. Someone in the group said something along the lines of "You (me) couldn't take him." To which I thought - hell hath no fury like….
I'm coming up to the two year mark on when I scattered his ashes on a mountain over-looking the ocean. The exact spot, only I now where. The general vicinity, a few people know. The spot was one that he took me to on one of our first vacations together as a couple. It. Is. Beautiful. To say the least. He was deserving of it.
See, here's the dilemma - what if the man that you loved died.
And you (I) never stopped loving him. I believe when he broke up with me, he took a chunk of my heart. And I never got it back before he died. I love the concept of love. And many days, I think I'm capable of it. I have fears of love though too. And that's where my problem lies.
There is currently another. The "boy," as I call him to people that don't know him personally, is competing against a perfect ghost. X was a great man. He had his faults; I have my faults; we had our faults as couple; but in my memory, he is perfect.
And the boy gets this. He's gently, VERY gently pointed things out along my path to life again - X broke up with me; X did this…; X did that….; I did this…; I did that…
The concept of love and marriage is so amazing to me. I get twitterpated. (check out Bambi). Being in love is an amazing feeling. And I hope that with the boy, or whomever comes along, I can somehow find my whole heart. And give it back.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Putting the phone down...
There's a movement afoot and it revolves around our cell phones. Another blogger wrote a post about divorcing his phone this year; a video illustrates how many people miss out on whats around them because they're only looking through the lens of the camera on the phone.
I think the concept of stepping away from the phone is great but we as humans need to take an action before we step away from the phone and begin actual interaction - stop acting liking we're on a reality TV show. These shows and the "entertainment" they provide make it appear it's perfectly OK to make digs, snide comments, or backhanded compliments TO OUR FRIENDS. Forget that we would never speak to a stranger like that but to a friend.
Case example:
I had two friends from my life with my ex that provide the appearance they're good people and amazing friends. I went to lunch with "John," "Jane," and "Paul" (another mutual friend) on a pretty emotional day for me and during the course of the lunch, Paul was on the receiving end of comment after comment from John. Some went after his intelligence, some went after his accent (he was born and raised in Europe), but none of the comments lifted Paul in any way. Jane, John's then fiancee, sat by Paul and said nothing. At one point, I looked at John and and whispered "Why do you talk to him like that?" To which his response was "Because that's how he likes it."
Wow. Those comments are pretty close to actual because they burned into my memory. So not only is it OK to talk to a friend like shit, friends actually like it. "X" used to come home from working with John and Paul livid and angry with how John treated Paul. It's something that we all do; yes, myself included though I've tried to pay attention comments I make after the above incident. But we're none perfect.
So if you've joined the movement to put your phone down and step away, make the commitment to remember the golden rule - treat others as you would like to be treated. Think before you speak. Speak it before you type it. Honor your friendships.
I think the concept of stepping away from the phone is great but we as humans need to take an action before we step away from the phone and begin actual interaction - stop acting liking we're on a reality TV show. These shows and the "entertainment" they provide make it appear it's perfectly OK to make digs, snide comments, or backhanded compliments TO OUR FRIENDS. Forget that we would never speak to a stranger like that but to a friend.
Case example:
I had two friends from my life with my ex that provide the appearance they're good people and amazing friends. I went to lunch with "John," "Jane," and "Paul" (another mutual friend) on a pretty emotional day for me and during the course of the lunch, Paul was on the receiving end of comment after comment from John. Some went after his intelligence, some went after his accent (he was born and raised in Europe), but none of the comments lifted Paul in any way. Jane, John's then fiancee, sat by Paul and said nothing. At one point, I looked at John and and whispered "Why do you talk to him like that?" To which his response was "Because that's how he likes it."
Wow. Those comments are pretty close to actual because they burned into my memory. So not only is it OK to talk to a friend like shit, friends actually like it. "X" used to come home from working with John and Paul livid and angry with how John treated Paul. It's something that we all do; yes, myself included though I've tried to pay attention comments I make after the above incident. But we're none perfect.
So if you've joined the movement to put your phone down and step away, make the commitment to remember the golden rule - treat others as you would like to be treated. Think before you speak. Speak it before you type it. Honor your friendships.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
New Year's Resolution
It's January 2, 2014. Another year gone, a new one here. What do I want to accomplish this year? How do I want to live this year? Who am I going to become this year? All good and valid questions that anyone should ask of themselves prior to setting goals. I think the biggest question should be - why am I putting these out there when I don't know who I want to be or why?
Where should I go this year? This year, I'm after the intangibles. Happiness. Friendship. Love. Great things that we all can and should focus on but how do you measure one. My happy is not your happy; friends are often not "in it" for the same reason(s); love is tricky, it's messy, but it's oh so tingly.
Based on those three, in no particular order, my resolutions. Some are positive and feel good; others not so much but no less realistic. Feel free to steal or share. But make sure when stolen or shared, the focus remains on the three - happiness; friendship; love.
1 - I'm going to blog more often. I like my thoughts. And you should too.
2 - Blogs needn't be a revelation but could be mundane works. I had paneer masala for dinner. Thank you India for introducing me.
3 - I will honor my friends in their lives and their adventures.
4 - I've had friends be not supportive in a variety of situations; I wish you no ill but I haven't forgotten. And chances are, you never knew to begin with.
5 - If number 4 spoke to you and you actually did know, I bow my head and shrug my shoulders.
6 - I never want to be the person of number 5.
7 - Do something for someone else. Daily. Simple hello. Provide a laugh or a shoulder. These small and quiet things say more about an individual than larger actions.
8 - Do something big. Because there's always someone someplace that needs help with _______.
9 - I won't be afraid to love again. Anyone new is not "X." And X is not anyone else. While I will always carry a piece of him with me, I'm living my own life now. Scary as it may be.
10 - Laugh daily.
11 - Hug often.
12 - Believe in self.
13 - Make my own luck.
Where should I go this year? This year, I'm after the intangibles. Happiness. Friendship. Love. Great things that we all can and should focus on but how do you measure one. My happy is not your happy; friends are often not "in it" for the same reason(s); love is tricky, it's messy, but it's oh so tingly.
Based on those three, in no particular order, my resolutions. Some are positive and feel good; others not so much but no less realistic. Feel free to steal or share. But make sure when stolen or shared, the focus remains on the three - happiness; friendship; love.
1 - I'm going to blog more often. I like my thoughts. And you should too.
2 - Blogs needn't be a revelation but could be mundane works. I had paneer masala for dinner. Thank you India for introducing me.
3 - I will honor my friends in their lives and their adventures.
4 - I've had friends be not supportive in a variety of situations; I wish you no ill but I haven't forgotten. And chances are, you never knew to begin with.
5 - If number 4 spoke to you and you actually did know, I bow my head and shrug my shoulders.
6 - I never want to be the person of number 5.
7 - Do something for someone else. Daily. Simple hello. Provide a laugh or a shoulder. These small and quiet things say more about an individual than larger actions.
8 - Do something big. Because there's always someone someplace that needs help with _______.
9 - I won't be afraid to love again. Anyone new is not "X." And X is not anyone else. While I will always carry a piece of him with me, I'm living my own life now. Scary as it may be.
10 - Laugh daily.
11 - Hug often.
12 - Believe in self.
13 - Make my own luck.
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