If I could tell the world one thing....

It would be, we're all ok.


The title of this blog and first line of the subject are lyrics of a song by Jewel.  I don't know why, but I connect with them.  Think on that one statement.

We're.  All.  Ok.
There's a sense of oneness in that.  That we don't have to strive for something else that isn't us.  What if we said "fuck society."  What would the resulting action be?
It would mean that a teenaged kid wouldn't listen to the church anymore about his being gay was a sin, when in reality, that book they're reading, says we all are.
It would mean that a woman, possibly you, wouldn't compare herself with other women based on appearance.
In fact, none of us would compare ourselves at all.  Seriously.  What matters at the end of the day?  A female's dress size?  My #sixpack?


No.  What matters comes in the form of multiple different things.  Kindness.  Honesty.  Love.  Compassion.  Happiness.

And what sucks about all of those is that society tells us daily that what matters is appearance, money, appearance and more money.  But let's get back to it.  And say however you want to say it.  My sailor mouth will stress the meaning for us all.  Fuck.  Society.  I'm good enough.  I'm smart enough.  And gosh darn it, people like me.  Yep, classic SNL got it right 20 years ago and we're all still struggling with it.  I don't look for "vanity" when I'm looking for friends.  But I treasure those that honor friendship; that glorify the regular; and those that at the end of the day, when I'm having a shitty day, i can turn to and say "Pick me up."

We all should.  Those are the friends that are with us for life.  And those are the friends that we NEVER need to explain actions.  It comes down to the game Red Rover.  Would you rather stand by someone who you don't know and may give you up....

Or stand next to the one that knows you and isn't going to let go, regardless of how hard your friendship is hit?

"I won't be made useless.  Won't be idle with despair......"

"....In the end, only kindness matters......."

Dharma talk, number 1

I teach yoga.  It's been a wild and wonderful journey to get to this point and I cannot say how much I've loved it.  I'm a relatively new yogi, finding my path but it's so crazy cool and I can tell now - I'm on a path.  As a teacher at the studio, I get to give a dharma talk to help set an intention for class.  In my mind, it can range from a great workout to meditation to whatever.
My dharma talk in a class this week came from a friend and his wife, whom I may have only met in passing at a softball game.  I worked with him when we were both in a past "life," and since we have moved on.  Moving on/forward is a common theme in my thoughts but my thought about them revolved around their dedication to give back.
They've dedicated not only their lives but their relationship to a "1 of 7" concept.  Translated, one day out of every seven, give something back.  Giving back for them can range from volunteering at a soup kitchen to mowing a lawn to picking up trash.  It's helping others out in a way that they are able, in that moment, to help.
I am inspired by them.  I'm a yogi in DC.  Or in reality, I'm a #badyogi in DC, trying to figure out what's going on.  How can I apply that to my life.  And the answer hit....

I can lead a class and when I set their intention for the class.  And for this class, I set the intention to think of one person in their life that was struggling.  Struggling with health issues, financial scares, employment or whatever it may be.  While those in the class may not have the time available to give back in an "organized" manner, they were on a mat for an hour.  Whether or not you believe in the spiritual connection to the universe that the mat carries is not the issue.  Imagine if someone comes to you and says "I thought about you for an hour today."  What is the POWER in letting someone know that bit of information?
Throughout the hour, I kept bringing poses back to the person and making it relatable.  Warrior II is, to me anyway, the most proud stance.  What has this person done or is this person doing that makes you proud?  Dolphin pose reminds us that work is play and play is work; how can we help this person take joy in the little things?  And child's pose has us bowing - the ultimate sign of respect and honor.
At the end of class, I'm asked the students to tell their person they were thought of for 60 minutes.  Hopefully they did.  I told my inspiration for my dharma talk that he and his wife inspired it.  And I'm doing it again....

Kip and Liz - for those that know you or know of you, we've learned that giving of self isn't hard and should be a regularly scheduled event.  You make me want become that person that will join you on your journey giving something back to the world that we all need.  Whatever that may be, for that day.  Namaste!

Why my sin...

This is going to be another tough post to write and I think it may be my first that becomes a "work in progress."  It's about religion, both organized and spiritual.  And at the end of the process, I may have a question to ask the reader.  I may not.  I don't know where I'm taking this but there's this thought that keeps coming back...

Why my sin?

Why is it that I'm the one that was shamed from the pulpit growing up?  Why is my sin so much worse than yours?  How is it that churches freely protest me and my life while ignoring members of their own congregation.  Biblically speaking, there are multiple sins listed.  Murder, adultery, jealousy, divorce.  Bacon.

But I'm singled out.  Because I fell in love with a man?  Or because my being Christian and loving a man demolishes your faith in the Bible?  Because quite frankly, my faith took a few stumbles when I came to terms with it.  There are so many bigger things to be concerned with in this day and age, so why is a hateful "Christian" church praising God for deaths because of me?  Why is an organization that shapes the lives of young men slowly coming to terms with letting a young man in that may be different?  Why have others judged me harshly yet forgotten - they are not the judge?

Organized religion, and those that lean on it for support because they are afraid (my word, not theirs), are potentially the worst combination.  Bullying a LGBT youth is always going to be acceptable,,,until the church realizes they are the ultimate bully.  Organized religion today doesn't spread the gospel of Christ, but the gospel of self.  A gay man (me), that knows more about the Bible than most ministers, is a bigger threat to them than a non-believer.  And so to cast me out, they highlight my sin.

I know a few things they don't though.  God, whomever he, she or it ends up being, made me like this. Honest.  I've chosen to be happy, to be myself.  I didn't have to but I did.  I know I am so lucky to have a family that has continued to love me.  To support me.  And I know there are many out there that aren't so lucky.  My hope, my dream, is that slowly, one person at a time, the message gets out - I (we) are just like you.  We (I) want to love the person our heart leads us to.  Happiness is the ultimate goal.  And I know my favorite book of the Bible still is Ephesians.  I don't know why.  I like it though.

Where is my faith today?  That's another blog, meant for another time/place.  But where I am today wasn't shaped by me being gay, but it was shaped by me loving another man.

Coming out....

This is going to be a tough blog to write, it makes me uncomfortable to a degree to write it.  It may or may not make the reader uncomfortable as well, but my intent is to cause some thought.

Jason Collins, an NBA player currently looking for a team (so read active and not retired), came out today.  I read his story and can relate to the religious exposure he had growing up.  I can relate to his story of feeling "free" with this announcement.  But I hedge to call him a hero as many gay organizations are doing.

Not because he isn't.  But because the only thing that makes him different than many of my friends and our stories is that he is an NBA player.  He breaks the "athletic stereotype," but guess what, so do I and so do many of my friends.  Quite a few of my best gay friends have been made on the softball field, on the volleyball court, or by talking at a sports bar while watching college football.  Many of us are athletes but many of us aren't.

But regardless of athletic ability or design aesthetic, we all have a story.  And because we have that story, we came to terms (hopefully) with being gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender, and we overcame our doubts about ourselves and our future.  We are heroes.  We can also be the villains - of our own destinies.  We should be shouting out accolades of support for each other...until the day that coming out isn't necessary, much like coming out as "straight" isn't even a thought.

If you've read this blog and agree with my takeaway - that we all should be lifted until the need to lifted is gone - then do two things for me...
1- Share this with friends.  It opens me up to being more vulnerable than I'd like but I also want people to know - I carry the gay flag for all of us, but most especially for those that came before and to never forget our struggle.
2- Ask the G/L/B/T's in your life their story.  Seriously.  Ask.  We all have a story.  And we all deserve the recognition.

Graduation day....

I completed training this week to become a Vinyasa yoga instructor.  And while I am happy and excited to see where this path leads, I had a bittersweet thought that kept returning - "X" would have been so proud of me.  He always wanted me to find something that I was passionate about again.  "X" always wanted the best out of me and he consistently challenged my thought processes; that was the attorney in him and the fake attorney in me.  I have found a sense of self and passion in the fitness realm and I'm not sure where I'll end up yet.  This career trajectory was no where on the radar a year ago, as I've taken the time to find myself, to trust myself, I've learned a few things.

Steps forward, even with the occasional step(s) backward, are always a positive.
New careers are scary.  And exciting.
We touch lives daily - but it takes more focus to impact lives.
I want to impact, not just touch.
My personality is bigger than yours.  It just is.  =)

Those are not my rules to live by or anything of the like.  Those are just points that for me, in this moment, right here and now,,,,I connect with.  It's taken almost a year for me to really find myself and my happy.  I'm still looking but I can say with confidence I'm getting there.  One step at a time.

Red box, part 2

As promised, part two of the red box...

I was able to play in the 2006 Outgames in Montreal.  For the opening ceremonies, they had the all athletes line up from what I presumed to be the rear of the Olympic Stadium.  From that side, we never saw any spectators coming into the stadium.  The walk in began after the ceremony started and began outside but slowly we made our way into the tunnels below the stadium.  And then it got darker as we entered the last little tunnel before the stadium and walked in....

And we were not alone.  What seemed like the entire city of Montreal was up in the stands cheering.  For us!  Most of weren't from Montreal or even Canada but they were there to show their excitement and support and welcoming us to the city.

That's the little red equal on the pages I see of family and friends.  It means that though they may not be gay, they understand love.  It's a sign that this battle for the right to shout to the world about the man I love is a true.  It's a sign that because of interactions they've had with either other gays or myself, they realize that we are human (shock) and that we love (bigger shock).  It's a swell of pride and affection from me to anyone that finally gets it - I am not defined by a book that calls me a sinner but I define myself by being who I am and loving who my heart chooses.

It also means I need to plan a bigger wedding.  Good thing I'm not engaged yet.

That red box...

Today the Supreme Court heard arguments for/against California's Prop 8; tomorrow it'll be the Defense of Marriage Act.  In solidarity/support, the red equal sign has been appearing on profiles and hopefully more will add it.  But I thought I'd write a different stance on it and say what it means to me...

<deep thoughts, by me>

I put the red box on my page to show I'm not less than. I'm not less than straight family and friends that have had the chance to go through their weddings and spend their lives with the partner they love most.  I've been told and heard from churches and those that don't know me (even some that do), that I am less than worthy.  Worthy of what though?  Was I born this way or did I choose to live this way?  The answer, quite frankly, is both.  My earliest memory of being "different" but not knowing what that difference was,,,,I was in first grade.  Six years old roughly.  I had no idea what "gay" meant but I knew I was NOT wired like the other boys.  And I hid that for years, from others but mostly from myself.
This is where the choice to be gay comes in.  I could have kept up that charade, married a woman, maybe had children.  But what would that life have been?  I would have been miserable, she would have been miserable.  My choice was to live my life for me, to be who I was made to be and to share with my family and friends me - being happy.  For anyone that knew me prior to "coming out," I was a shadow of the man I am today.  In simple words, I was miserable.
But the red box is a break from that.  It's me, claiming my right AS A HUMAN and a citizen of this country.  It's me saying that should I be lucky enough to find someone I want to spend the rest of my life with, I can.  And I will.

And tomorrow, I'll tell you what that red box means when I see it on other profiles.....