Grounding....

This is my first blog and I'm not as active as I'd like to be.  But this blog has always been more personal.  I post here when my emotions are strong, when what I have to say I hope resonates with another, and when I just need to clear the air.

Which leads me to 'grounding.'  I'll go ahead and say it - I hate bars and in general, public places.  The energies present tend to magnify in me, making me uneasy and I want to bolt.  When "X" and I were together, I only went out with him.  Because I could ground into him and feel safe.  Obviously I haven't been able to ground into him for years, but I transferred that responsibility to friends.

I finished the Forrest Yoga Foundation training recently and also have started testing out a radical concept for me - grounding in myself.  Egad.  I know and realize, for most people, that won't make sense.  I mean, bars are not scary and for an extrovert (like I am), bars and other places are actually energizing.  But they've always freaked me the EFF out.  I've gone out a few times with friends and each time, rather than latch onto a friends emotion and ride that for the night, I latched onto my own emotion.

I've learned that the best and strongest grounding force I have is me.  Even a crazier concept for me to understand.  But I feel strong and can honestly say I haven't had a moment when I want to bolt - which is entirely new to me.  The power to reach into the earth by activating my feet, by slowing my breath, and by finding the fire (or light) within myself is awesome.  And it's from myself that I'm finding new strength to put myself out there.  There's more to come but I know - I'm  getting stronger everyday.  And I want to make everyone around me stronger.

Letting go

I'm currently in the midst of a second yoga teacher training, this time for Forrest Yoga.  If you've never heard of Forrest, just a few things to say - 1) Note the two "R's" so named after a person (Ana Forrest) rather than a gathering of trees; 2) It's an all encompassing healing style of yoga - from physical pain to emotional.  And I'm learning that often times, these pains are tied very strongly together.  Yoga teaches that strong emotional events leave a mark (scar) in an area or part of the body; Forrest is teaching me how to find that scar and replace it with a strong, good energy through breath work and asana practice.
Because of my history with my X and the tough time I had immediately after his death, I was drawn strongly to Forrest classes when I came back to yoga.  It was a safe place for me to cry, to yell, or to lion's breath shit out.  I knew when I took my first teacher training that at some point, I would go for Forrest as well.  And here I am.
Something Ana said this morning rang true to me - that often times, after a loved one dies, we hold onto their ghost, rather than their memory.  The moral of that is that it's time I let X go - for both our healing.  And I am not gonna lie, it's scary.
I have a lot of guilt still about him - sometimes when I walk Baxter, some memory/sound/smell hits me and I remember he won't walk our boy ever again.  I have guilt that I'm living my life for me, still searching for my happy.
And I feel guilty when I start to forget what he sounded like or looked like.  He had a way of saying my name that I will always cherish.  I'm working on moving that from holding his ghost to me and changing it to a memory I can smile about.

I'm just over halfway done with training and my struggle will be to continue to remove shields that I've put up to protect myself when in reality, they are just keeping me from life.  I will also allow X to go.  The memories I have of him are enough to last me a lifetime.  And it's time for me to get out there and live.

Who is the person you want to be?

This is going to be a much sought after political style rambling that covers current events and hopefully brings us all back to answer the question - what kind of person do I want to be?

Oklahoma attempted a death penalty via lethal injection yesterday; I say attempted because by all accounts, including prison officials, the drug combination failed.  And the man suffered through god only knows what for a period of time before dying of a heart attack.  First let's understand - he died of a heart attack.  Not heart failure.  The lethal combination of drugs is meant to bring on failure of both lungs and heart.  Heart attacks, as described by survivors, are painful.  It's not your heart failing but your heart literally working too hard.

Family members of the victim often say things like "he didn't let me loved one die peacefully" or "she was callous and calculated in killing my family; I want the same for you."  That's all well and good.  I do not know what those family members have been through.  But I do know what it's like to be the one that goes on after a shocking, unexpected death.  It's fucking hard.  I've described myself in the days after "X" as a vase thrown to the ground.  Part of me still thinks I may never find all of the pieces but I have healed/glued areas of my life back together.  Yes, it's awful and miserable and quite frankly shitty to think that I'm living and yet he isn't.  That is my daily cross.  But I ask myself daily - what would he want?  And families of victims possibly ask the same.

I'll go ahead and jump into the death penalty issue here and now.  My junior year of college, I took an "Intro to Criminal Justice" class and at one point, the class was broken into three groups - those in support of; those against; and those undecided about the death penalty.  I fell in the last one - unsure.  I thought it had merits but I wasn't sure.  The two decided sides had the job of convincing us that theirs was the right way to think.  And one thing stands out in my memory after all these years - those in support of the death penalty were aggressively debating their side; they were ANGRY that the other side existed and that I could be so 'clueless' as to not have chosen a side.  They talked loudly, made gestures, and continually cut off the against debaters, only to have me answer the question of my title right there - I do not want to be one of them.

So who do we want to be?  As a society.  Do we want to be a society of vengeance, anger, hate, and contempt?  Or can we, as a society as a whole, finally start learning what compassion is.  Not only what it is, but what it looks like, or better yet, FEELS like.  The justice system, for all of it's wisdom from the Constitution, is to be just that - the collective conscience of our nation.  The Constitution itself protects us from cruel or unusual punishments.  The death penalty, especially the death penalty with a drug combination that FAILS, is both cruel and unusual.  And that conscience that speaks to all of us should see the wrong of it all.

Politics as usual….

This post has been a long time coming.  And it comes when one state, Arizona, is poised to have a bill signed into law by the governor that specifically allows for businesses to discriminate against me because of "strongly held religious beliefs."  Seriously.  That whole clause about "separation of church and state" is completely ignored by this bill (and other bills that have thankfully been failing).  But why.  I've asked the question before "Why my sin" but that question remains unanswered.  Why do the religious right think they've been discriminated against to the degree that they have to make it legal to discriminate against me?
They haven't.  Quite frankly.  Capitalism is the rule of "I'll take my business where I want," and that's fine.  If I were to get married, I would seek out planners and caterers and cake makers that not only accept but embrace homosexual couples.  Because love is love.  I would avoid those companies that look at my sin, while serving pork or shrimp at other receptions.
But the problem with religious discrimination bills isn't just that they target me, they target us all.  Arizona, let's play a hypothetical game.  Let's say your a business owner that doesn't like "illegal immigrants."  What does religious freedom give you now - you can not serve these people of your community based on their skin color but call it some obscene rule under giving what is Caesar to Caesar (tax reference that many tea partiers unfortunately believe these immigrants pay no taxes).
It allows a protestant business owner the right to discriminate against a man wearing his kippah; or a woman wearing her veils.  Because they are different.  That's what it amounts to - legal discrimination based on someone being different than self.
We as a country have come further than this; we have more ground to cover but it's thought like this that takes us back to separate drinking fountains; the back of buses; and hate words being talked about on radio and TV by personalities that have no right to cast the first stone.
What can we do - we can show love.  We can practice respect.  We can understand that the differences we all have aren't to be feared but to be celebrated.  And lifted.

If you think Arizona is doing the right thing, tell me.  To my face.  That I'm less than you.  Chances are that you won't.  But if you're honest and you do, expect me to look at you with pity.  Because if you know me and you can't celebrate me, what kind of hate do you have in your life?

Daily...

"'X' come back."

It's been over two years.  I know that.  Fuck, do I know it.  But "'X come back'" is a phrase that for two years, I have said out loud or thought at some point.  Daily.  And with that thought of bringing him back, what could I do….

I was in a therapy group.  And I said in that group "I would do anything, including sacrificing one of you, to get him back."  While on my yogi journey that's not appropriate, the underlying statement is - I would give anything to have him back - even in the form of friend.  Someone in the group said something along the lines of "You (me) couldn't take him."  To which I thought - hell hath no fury like….

I'm coming up to the two year mark on when I scattered his ashes on a mountain over-looking the ocean.  The exact spot, only I now where.  The general vicinity, a few people know.  The spot was one that he took me to on one of our first vacations together as a couple.  It.  Is.  Beautiful.  To say the least.  He was deserving of it.

See, here's the dilemma - what if the man that you loved died.

And you (I) never stopped loving him.  I believe when he broke up with me, he took a chunk of my heart.  And I never got it back before he died.  I love the concept of love.  And many days, I think I'm capable of it.  I have fears of love though too.  And that's where my problem lies.

There is currently another.  The "boy," as I call him to people that don't know him personally, is competing against a perfect ghost.  X was a great man.  He had his faults; I have my faults; we had our faults as couple; but in my memory, he is perfect.

And the boy gets this.  He's gently, VERY gently pointed things out along my path to life again - X broke up with me; X did this…; X did that….; I did this…; I did that…

The concept of love and marriage is so amazing to me.  I get twitterpated.  (check out Bambi).  Being in love is an amazing feeling. And I hope that with the boy, or whomever comes along, I can somehow find my whole heart.  And give it back.

Putting the phone down...

There's a movement afoot and it revolves around our cell phones.  Another blogger wrote a post about divorcing his phone this year; a video illustrates how many people miss out on whats around them because they're only looking through the lens of the camera on the phone.

I think the concept of stepping away from the phone is great but we as humans need to take an action before we step away from the phone and begin actual interaction - stop acting liking we're on a reality TV show.  These shows and the "entertainment" they provide make it appear it's perfectly OK to make digs, snide comments, or backhanded compliments TO OUR FRIENDS.  Forget that we would never speak to a stranger like that but to a friend.

Case example:
I had two friends from my life with my ex that provide the appearance they're good people and amazing friends.  I went to lunch with "John," "Jane," and "Paul" (another mutual friend) on a pretty emotional day for me and during the course of the lunch, Paul was on the receiving end of comment after comment from John.  Some went after his intelligence, some went after his accent (he was born and raised in Europe), but none of the comments lifted Paul in any way.  Jane, John's then fiancee, sat by Paul and said nothing.  At one point, I looked at John and and whispered "Why do you talk to him like that?"  To which his response was "Because that's how he likes it."

Wow.  Those comments are pretty close to actual because they burned into my memory.  So not only is it OK to talk to a friend like shit, friends actually like it.  "X" used to come home from working with John and Paul livid and angry with how John treated Paul.  It's something that we all do; yes, myself included though I've tried to pay attention comments I make after the above incident.  But we're none perfect.

So if you've joined the movement to put your phone down and step away, make the commitment to remember the golden rule - treat others as you would like to be treated.  Think before you speak.  Speak it before you type it.  Honor your friendships.

New Year's Resolution

It's January 2, 2014.  Another year gone, a new one here.  What do I want to accomplish this year?  How do I want to live this year?  Who am I going to become this year?  All good and valid questions that anyone should ask of themselves prior to setting goals.  I think the biggest question should be - why am I putting these out there when I don't know who I want to be or why?
Where should I go this year?  This year, I'm after the intangibles.  Happiness.  Friendship.  Love.  Great things that we all can and should focus on but how do you measure one.  My happy is not your happy; friends are often not "in it" for the same reason(s); love is tricky, it's messy, but it's oh so tingly.

Based on those three, in no particular order, my resolutions.  Some are positive and feel good; others not so much but no less realistic.  Feel free to steal or share.  But make sure when stolen or shared, the focus remains on the three - happiness; friendship; love.

1 - I'm going to blog more often.  I like my thoughts.  And you should too.
2 - Blogs needn't be a revelation but could be mundane works.  I had paneer masala for dinner.  Thank you India for introducing me.
3 - I will honor my friends in their lives and their adventures.
4 - I've had friends be not supportive in a variety of situations; I wish you no ill but I haven't forgotten.  And chances are, you never knew to begin with.
5 - If number 4 spoke to you and you actually did know, I bow my head and shrug my shoulders.
6 - I never want to be the person of number 5.
7 - Do something for someone else.  Daily.  Simple hello.  Provide a laugh or a shoulder.  These small and quiet things say more about an individual than larger actions.
8 - Do something big.  Because there's always someone someplace that needs help with _______.
9 - I won't be afraid to love again.  Anyone new is not "X."  And X is not anyone else.  While I will always carry a piece of him with me, I'm living my own life now.  Scary as it may be.
10 - Laugh daily.
11 - Hug often.
12 - Believe in self.
13 - Make my own luck.

Power to change

"Lend your voice only to the sounds freedom
No longer lend your strength to that which you wish to be free from."

Another Jewel song that resonates with me.  And it was the guiding force behind a dharma talk recently.  What is it that you most want to change about your life, your self?  Bad habits are just that - they are bad habits.  We all have created them within self without even realizing they are present.  But present they are.  They drive, they control us, they shape us.  But we have the ultimate control over those habits.  We have the strength.

On the flip side - we can recreate good habits.  I read somewhere once a habit is effectively developed after 21 consistent days of applying that habit.  I'm not sure if I can really believe that but think about where you put your energy and 21 days.  Less than a month.  If we try to change something in ourselves for 21 back to back to back days, wouldn't that result in a change.  Of some sort.

Why do we put off new goals for a new week/month/year?  Why don't we start today?  New Year's is just around the corner.  Friends and family everywhere will be thinking about what they change about themselves in the coming year.  But why wait?  If it's a change that is really for the better (read: weight loss for health and not appearance), why not start here and now?  It is within our power.  It's within our energy.

Change that which you can change within yourself and see what the impact is to your world.

What do you see.....

What do you see when you look at me?  I don't know if there's a right or wrong answer but I've had some thoughts about what some people may see.  I'm not seeking confirmation or correction; I want you to think about it.  No answer is required.  In fact, no answer is desired.

For those that knew me as half of "X and Darin," I think they see a vivid and harsh reminder.  I'm the reminder of possibly the break but definitely the death.  I can't imagine people that knew X to be able to look at me without seeing his shadow, seeing his smile, hearing his laugh.  One life continues on while the other ended.  That's what I think people that knew us see.  And for that vision, they choose to not see me.

For those that met me after the break, after the death, I think they see some hollowness, like a puzzle with a missing piece.  I am missing a piece - my best friend.  For 18 long months, I've carried that piece, shielded that piece from the view of others.  Most people don't know what caused that rip to exist.  I choose not to share it often.  But I think people see an ocean crashing beneath.

I hope people see me for me.  A healing man.  A man that is missing that puzzle piece but has somehow found a way to carry on.  I hope that anyone that knew X does see his shadow.  But rather than have it be the shadow of what is missing, may it be the light of him I carry on.  I have slowly, with persistence, put the puzzle together.  Whichever it may be, my hope is that you know, you realize, that I am who I am because he helped me to learn, to grow.  I feel like an old soul in the shell that is this body.  And I hope people see the ocean crashing as strength.

I stand, because he stood.

What shapes you?

My dharma this month for all of my classes has revolved around being playful, finding the fun in yoga. It's easy to do when you're attempting bakasana (crow) because it's a crazy fun pose!  Your body is being lifted in the air by your arms and if you fail, you get to do a summersault.  Fun.

But what in more difficult poses?  How do you find the joy, the playful, the bliss?  And how do you find all of those in your life?

I re-read a poem recently that left a nugget in my mind.  It was written by Jewel (sorry but I think her thought process is beautiful and her words even more so)....

The things you fear are undefeatable
not by their nature but by your approach.

So it's not the fear itself that defeats us.  We defeat ourselves.  Daily.  Maybe even more frequently.  When the universe throws a fear, a challenge, a really shitty day your way, it's not that moment that defines us - it's how we respond that makes us.  Believe me, I know bad things happen.  But at some point, after grieving and missing him so much, I had the option: I could either continue to feel sorry for myself or I could find a way to grow.  I chose to grow.  Though on the scale of things, it's only been a teeny tiny bit of growth.  It's growth.  And I still miss "X" daily.

But my missing him now is changed.  Rather than making it more on the depressed side of things, I smile often when I think of him.  Seriously smile.  And that's the flip in the switch we all need to make with whatever is happening in our lives.  As I told a few friends recently, we all have the power within us to shape our own direction.  That power can come from a variety of emotions.  And it's that power, that strength that makes us the person we are today.

And the survivor/fighter/lover we'll be.

Why?

There's a moment, every night.

Why comes to the front of my mind.  Why.

Why did my life run off the rails two years ago?

Why did it fall into a pit a year ago?

Why did it take me so long to realize "friends" may not be friends?

Why is a very tough question to answer.  As children are able to, remember the time when a child just posed that simple question to their Mom.  Repeatedly.  Eventually, the answer becomes "Because I said so."  End of story.
But it actually isn't.  The story goes on.  Where I am today is a completely different story than a year ago; than three years ago; than seven years ago.  My story is poetic in an odd way...and yet, I carry on. With life, we don't get the chance to go back and change events.  I know of a few I would change if I could.  But I can't.  They are part of the story that tells people who I am today.
Different religions say different things about my experience and this is not meant to be a religious post.  But, if the last few years would have answered, where would I be?  And why would I be there?  The outcome is changed dramatically.  From an office building tall to barefoot yogi - dramatic difference.

Why I still cry when I miss "X," I may never know.  Part of me hopes it'll always be there.  His smile.  The way he said my name.  The look in his eyes when he looked at me.  I may never know, in this lifetime, the answer to the question "Why did he leave me?"  But my story, wherever it may lead, isn't over.  And his name is the foundation of every page.

Why???  Not sure.  But he had that impact on me.

Passion...........

What is it?  Let's keep it clean and out of the bedroom.  My thoughts tonight are around passion in life.

I took a leap a year ago in what some may say was a "bad choice."  I left my job with nothing lined up and really no thought of what I would do.  But I felt (strongly) the prompting of my "X" from the next life.  Because of family health issues not related to that leap, it took me a bit of time to settle but I have found my passion.

I told one of my best friends the other day I'm 'content.'  Let's think on this word...it's not specifically jump to the ceiling happy but it conveys a bigger, more intense feeling.  I feel like I'm finally getting to that point in my life where, when I let out a big sigh, it's not out of exasperation but from "wow, I didn't know it could be like this."

And I know for a fact, I'm at the point I can say -
I've survived the worst thing life can throw at me.  Mess with me, my family or my friends,,,it's on.  Nothing you can do or say is worse and I will win.

I have caught up with friends the last few days and I want them to find their content.  It's different to each of us and we really have to find our passion.  I've told people before, I think I may have blogged about it - I am so lucky to go to work daily and love what I do.  And when I teach a class, that's just an extra big bonus.

I'm writing this because as a former member of corporate and non-profit USA, what does it take to find our passion?  To do what we love?  To wake up in the morning and think "man, I like sleep but I can't wait to get to work."  So reader challenge - close your eyes after reading this statement, take one deep inhale, a slow and steady exhale and think......what makes me content?

Open your eyes slowly and ask yourself "What's holding me back?"  Chances are, the answer to that last question will be found in the mirror.

Frozen cheese

I like the title of this post.  I think it's an appropriate reminder of something I learned this week.  But first, a little back story....

I've been wondering where my "place" in the world of yoga is and what it will look up.  For multiple reasons, #badyogi is appropriate to me.  I curse.  Sometimes a lot but thankfully I haven't dropped the F-bomb in a class yet.  I find humor in the actions of others and don't hesitate to point them out with varying levels of sarcasm.  I have an ego.  Zoinks.  Anyone that knows me would agree.  I'm not religious.  At all.  And fundamentally, I think religious groups and those that encourage people to live one way or another are flawed and cause greater problems than they solve.  I say what's on my mind, sometimes after thinking through it, sometimes I blast it out, without a thought of what the outcome may be.  I'm highly energetic and to people that don't know me well (even some that do), that energy can be overwhelming.

So for the long term, or even the short term, what is my role as a yogi?  Looking at the counter of #badyogi, is #goodyogi.

I haven't cursed in a class yet because I respect the mat too much.  For the time anyone spends on a mat, it's a type of sacred time.  If it's religious and helping advance through this karmic cycle or just a great workout, mat time is individual.  I say frequently in classes to give the mat that which you don't need - anger, fear, doubt - and take that which you do need - strength, hope, peace.
My ego is kept in check by friends, family and my own sarcasm.  Yes, I may mock others.  But I'm also the first to mock myself.  Not from a place of ill intent but because life is funny.  We all do things that at the time are ridiculous but with time (maybe even just a few seconds), there's something funny there.  What's so bad about sharing laughter with the world?
I'm not religious.  And I may never be again.  But I am spiritual.  I believe there's something more out there, I'm just not so overly confident to say what that is.  Or who.  I believe there has been a hand guiding me, most recently by my best friend that's gone ahead.  While "X" hasn't been in my dreams lately, he has visited Baxter in the past month.  And when Baxter was sick this week, I called on him to watch over our boy while I was at work.  But "X" is just an angel of sorts.  A spirit.
Saying what I think is often viewed as healthy because I don't keep things in, keep them bottled up.  But it also means I don't really follow others.  Well.  Or at all.
My energy, that's actually beneficial in class.  When the class starts breathing heavy, giving me that look, it ramps me up.  And when I ramp up, I can help the class ramp up.  Yoga can and should be exciting.

Which leads me to the frozen cheese.  In a class this week, I set the intention of finding joyfulness, finding the playful and just being in the moment for what that moment was.  Some asanas aren't fun; anything with a hamstring stretch causes my legs to SHOUT.  And the joy in that pose, for me, is that I'm only holding it for a certain number of breaths.  The end can be joyful.
After class, a student stopped me.  She's from India and mentioned she has practiced and studied yoga for years.  And mine was the first class that she ever felt the joy yoga can bring.  We talked about our paths and destinies.  We talked about our practices, what inspires us.  And for 20 minutes, we were teachers of each other and students of life.  As she was leaving, she brought me some cheese, still wrapped in the plastic from the manufacturer.  She thanked me for giving her spiritual food and asked if she could give me some physical food.
I took it, knowing that I wouldn't eat.  Not because I don't eat cheese but because in that moment, I knew my role as a yogi and I knew I have a place in the world of yoga.  And her cheese gift, which has taken up prominent residence in my freezer, is a reminder to always search for the joyful, the playful and to let each moment be that - just a moment.  And I think the world of yoga is most definitely big enough for this #badyogi.

Another candle...

I did it.  I somehow braced myself for the inevitable but found that the birthday of "X," though a painful reminder, was survivable.  I don't really know how.  In the 18 months since his death, I have yet to have a day that I don't think of him.  I did things all day that I enjoy and kept me busy.  And yoga, in all of it's "karmic wisdom," worked really well for me.  When I felt a memory or emotion coming up, I felt it.  I was in the present.  I allowed that memory to take root in my self....and I smiled.

"X" was a really great guy.  Anyone that knew him would agree without blinking an eye.  I am the luckiest of all to have 10 years of memories with him; some good, some bad, some AMAZING.  But they are my memories.  And each one reminds me of the love we felt for each other.  Even at the end.

He was my best friend.  He is my best friend.  That void in my life has yet to be filled by a non-canine. But I can honestly say now, 18 months after the shatter, I have hope.  "X" would have wanted that.  He would have wanted my happiness; for Baxter to be spoiled rotten (he is); for the cat to hiss at every person that isn't me that comes into the apartment (she does).

I never fully understood why he broke up with me until after his death.  I still don't.  But from what I gather from friends, he thought he was holding me back.  I don't know what he was holding me back from - he was the reason I had wings.

Thankfully, because he taught me well, I found my wings again.  And I'm beginning to soar.  I will continue to miss him every day, most likely for the rest of my life.  But I will take that faith he had in me and the lessons of humanity he gave me and apply them.  I look to my future with hope.  Should the day come and I'm lucky enough to meet someone I marry, one chair will be left purposefully vacant.  He will be there with me, in spirit.  Smiling.  Probably calling me a "big ass."  But I imagine a moment, when I give my vows to the man standing across from me, that I look out in the audience, see "X," and he winks.

And I will always wink back.

Who am I?

That question has been brought about by my need to write a profile for my yoga teaching.  Yikes.  But there is an answer to that question than is inappropriate to a yoga profile.
First off, I'm sarcastic.  I use sarcasm as both my weapon and my shield.  There are pieces of my life that I still do not let people into.  There are (were) people in my life that I will still defend to my utmost using said sarcasm.  But a yogi shouldn't be about sarcasm.
Secondly, I'm pretty emotional.  Don't be surprised by that one.  The only emotion I'm in control of at all times - anger.  I'm pretty sure if I let that one out of the bag, there would be some damage done to people I really truly care about.  And I do not want that.  Grief, guilt, sorrow, happy...all of them I let out and on my sleeve.  Anger,  I have.  But cannot direct it at the one person I need to so it's the bystanders that need to be wary.  And a yogi should definitely not let anger guide them.
Third, yoga is not the same thing for me that it is for others.  It's not about removing myself from this cycle of living that I'm tied to because of karma.  It's about a good workout, coupled with 60-90 minutes a day that I can shut down my mind; shut down my emotions; and just be.  Yoga is in this.
The gym and exercise have been my safe place.  Yoga is a continuation of that.  It reminds me that life can be tough and when it gets tough, you just breathe through it and it'll pass.  I've been waiting on the "tough" to pass for over a year now.  I will always carry certain secrets with me.  But I know that right here, right now, is where I belong.  While religious tones of any nature are hard for me to grasp and hold to, I get that I'm not "it."

There's something more out there.  Be it a god or gods, or a guardian angel or the spirit of someone that went before.....
Something is smoothing my edges, working to calm me and working to show me that I can and will live (and love) again.

Darin has practiced yoga for over 10 years.  His original practice focused on improving his overall joint health for running and not on the full impact yoga has.  He took the steps in 2012 to reclaim his life, to reclaim his happiness and along the way, he rediscovered yoga.  That discovery reminded him of his passion to teach, to help others and to somehow, if at all possible, help someone else on their journey.
With his path into teaching, Darin believes that yoga can and should be something different for each of us - taking from the mat that which we need the most and giving back that which we do no need or want.  His energy is contagious and his love for both yoga and student shines through in his teaching.  His desire to  help others along their path is founded in hope and in the desire to lift the next up.  He stands for something and someone that is greater than all.  And Darin compares himself to a dolphin, where dolphins make everything fun.  Because after all, #workisplay and #playiswork.

The dolphin....

In the yoga classes I teach, I like to talk about various poses and what they may communicate, both in the practice and in life.  Each time I've taught dolphin pose to the classes, I come back with the same guiding principle: dolphins have fun.  A lot of fun.  For them, work is play and play is work.

As I was walking Baxter tonight, that mantra came to my mind.  And for whatever reason, the connection to dolphins was made.  I am a dolphin.  Not literally in having a blow hole and swimming daily but in the small snippet - I enjoy my job.  Wait, I FREAKING enjoy my job.

Teaching yoga classes is quite possibly some of the most fun I've ever had.  Each class is new and different and full of energy.  Each class I get to share my love for yoga with a group of students - some just starting out on their yogic journey, others experienced beyond the years I have - but they all develop a love and respect for their mat.  Sure, I may make a complete fool of myself each class because of my enthusiasm but the underlying message back from each person in each class is this - they do not want me to fail.  They have a connection to my success.  That success is their mat.
Every class I teach, I set my own intention - to communicate how much I love/respect yoga first and foremost and secondly, if the connection is made, to create that same love/respect in my students.
How many people get the real opportunity to quit their day jobs and then chase something.  When that happened to me a year ago, the only thing I knew for certain was that "X" was prompting me strongly, with visible signs, that it was time for me to move on.  I did.  I didn't know what my next step would be.  I feel fortunate to have found passion, drive, motivation and fun in my job.  I'm managing people again, which anyone I've ever managed would say is something I love.  But more importantly, I'm training people again.  I REALLY REALLY love that aspect.  To take someone's fear of dolphin and then remind them to find joy in it.  Because it's there.  Honest.  You just have to make it appear.

#workisplay #playiswork

Dharma talk, number 2

I firmly believe that people don't do enough to show others gratitude.  Being thankful for something provided by another is actually tough because it points to the one thing we have a hard time admitting - we need help.
I have to admit, I have a really bad habit.  One that solidifies my #badyogi standing but at the same time, I hope it causes the other person a moment of pause.  I tell people "you're welcome," especially when they don't thank me to begin with.  If I hold the door for someone and they just rush through, I say it; if someone asks for paper/pen/something and just grabs it away, I definitely say it.  I'm not sure it ever has the effect I want it to have but in my mind, if someone were to say it to me out of the blue, I would wonder "why'd they just say that??"  And then my mind would wrap around the manner I forgot.  My mind works differently though.
In a recent class, I walked through emotions that I associate with gratitude.  Humble, content, appreciative.  There is a difference in each of those feelings when you are on the receiving or the giving end.  Buy someone a coffee, they say thank you, you think "no big deal."  But that person has a bigger and better emotion tied to it - you thought of them when...

I think that's the underlying thread in my yoga practice and journal these days.  Thinking of others.  Hoping that in some way, shape or form, I can lift them up.  More people than I can count somehow lifted me up and out over the past year and the gratitude I feel for each of them is overwhelming.  I'm humbled to think so many people were willing to help.  And I hope, in some little way each day, I can give some of that back to the world.

If I could tell the world one thing....

It would be, we're all ok.


The title of this blog and first line of the subject are lyrics of a song by Jewel.  I don't know why, but I connect with them.  Think on that one statement.

We're.  All.  Ok.
There's a sense of oneness in that.  That we don't have to strive for something else that isn't us.  What if we said "fuck society."  What would the resulting action be?
It would mean that a teenaged kid wouldn't listen to the church anymore about his being gay was a sin, when in reality, that book they're reading, says we all are.
It would mean that a woman, possibly you, wouldn't compare herself with other women based on appearance.
In fact, none of us would compare ourselves at all.  Seriously.  What matters at the end of the day?  A female's dress size?  My #sixpack?


No.  What matters comes in the form of multiple different things.  Kindness.  Honesty.  Love.  Compassion.  Happiness.

And what sucks about all of those is that society tells us daily that what matters is appearance, money, appearance and more money.  But let's get back to it.  And say however you want to say it.  My sailor mouth will stress the meaning for us all.  Fuck.  Society.  I'm good enough.  I'm smart enough.  And gosh darn it, people like me.  Yep, classic SNL got it right 20 years ago and we're all still struggling with it.  I don't look for "vanity" when I'm looking for friends.  But I treasure those that honor friendship; that glorify the regular; and those that at the end of the day, when I'm having a shitty day, i can turn to and say "Pick me up."

We all should.  Those are the friends that are with us for life.  And those are the friends that we NEVER need to explain actions.  It comes down to the game Red Rover.  Would you rather stand by someone who you don't know and may give you up....

Or stand next to the one that knows you and isn't going to let go, regardless of how hard your friendship is hit?

"I won't be made useless.  Won't be idle with despair......"

"....In the end, only kindness matters......."

Dharma talk, number 1

I teach yoga.  It's been a wild and wonderful journey to get to this point and I cannot say how much I've loved it.  I'm a relatively new yogi, finding my path but it's so crazy cool and I can tell now - I'm on a path.  As a teacher at the studio, I get to give a dharma talk to help set an intention for class.  In my mind, it can range from a great workout to meditation to whatever.
My dharma talk in a class this week came from a friend and his wife, whom I may have only met in passing at a softball game.  I worked with him when we were both in a past "life," and since we have moved on.  Moving on/forward is a common theme in my thoughts but my thought about them revolved around their dedication to give back.
They've dedicated not only their lives but their relationship to a "1 of 7" concept.  Translated, one day out of every seven, give something back.  Giving back for them can range from volunteering at a soup kitchen to mowing a lawn to picking up trash.  It's helping others out in a way that they are able, in that moment, to help.
I am inspired by them.  I'm a yogi in DC.  Or in reality, I'm a #badyogi in DC, trying to figure out what's going on.  How can I apply that to my life.  And the answer hit....

I can lead a class and when I set their intention for the class.  And for this class, I set the intention to think of one person in their life that was struggling.  Struggling with health issues, financial scares, employment or whatever it may be.  While those in the class may not have the time available to give back in an "organized" manner, they were on a mat for an hour.  Whether or not you believe in the spiritual connection to the universe that the mat carries is not the issue.  Imagine if someone comes to you and says "I thought about you for an hour today."  What is the POWER in letting someone know that bit of information?
Throughout the hour, I kept bringing poses back to the person and making it relatable.  Warrior II is, to me anyway, the most proud stance.  What has this person done or is this person doing that makes you proud?  Dolphin pose reminds us that work is play and play is work; how can we help this person take joy in the little things?  And child's pose has us bowing - the ultimate sign of respect and honor.
At the end of class, I'm asked the students to tell their person they were thought of for 60 minutes.  Hopefully they did.  I told my inspiration for my dharma talk that he and his wife inspired it.  And I'm doing it again....

Kip and Liz - for those that know you or know of you, we've learned that giving of self isn't hard and should be a regularly scheduled event.  You make me want become that person that will join you on your journey giving something back to the world that we all need.  Whatever that may be, for that day.  Namaste!

Why my sin...

This is going to be another tough post to write and I think it may be my first that becomes a "work in progress."  It's about religion, both organized and spiritual.  And at the end of the process, I may have a question to ask the reader.  I may not.  I don't know where I'm taking this but there's this thought that keeps coming back...

Why my sin?

Why is it that I'm the one that was shamed from the pulpit growing up?  Why is my sin so much worse than yours?  How is it that churches freely protest me and my life while ignoring members of their own congregation.  Biblically speaking, there are multiple sins listed.  Murder, adultery, jealousy, divorce.  Bacon.

But I'm singled out.  Because I fell in love with a man?  Or because my being Christian and loving a man demolishes your faith in the Bible?  Because quite frankly, my faith took a few stumbles when I came to terms with it.  There are so many bigger things to be concerned with in this day and age, so why is a hateful "Christian" church praising God for deaths because of me?  Why is an organization that shapes the lives of young men slowly coming to terms with letting a young man in that may be different?  Why have others judged me harshly yet forgotten - they are not the judge?

Organized religion, and those that lean on it for support because they are afraid (my word, not theirs), are potentially the worst combination.  Bullying a LGBT youth is always going to be acceptable,,,until the church realizes they are the ultimate bully.  Organized religion today doesn't spread the gospel of Christ, but the gospel of self.  A gay man (me), that knows more about the Bible than most ministers, is a bigger threat to them than a non-believer.  And so to cast me out, they highlight my sin.

I know a few things they don't though.  God, whomever he, she or it ends up being, made me like this. Honest.  I've chosen to be happy, to be myself.  I didn't have to but I did.  I know I am so lucky to have a family that has continued to love me.  To support me.  And I know there are many out there that aren't so lucky.  My hope, my dream, is that slowly, one person at a time, the message gets out - I (we) are just like you.  We (I) want to love the person our heart leads us to.  Happiness is the ultimate goal.  And I know my favorite book of the Bible still is Ephesians.  I don't know why.  I like it though.

Where is my faith today?  That's another blog, meant for another time/place.  But where I am today wasn't shaped by me being gay, but it was shaped by me loving another man.