Politics as usual….

This post has been a long time coming.  And it comes when one state, Arizona, is poised to have a bill signed into law by the governor that specifically allows for businesses to discriminate against me because of "strongly held religious beliefs."  Seriously.  That whole clause about "separation of church and state" is completely ignored by this bill (and other bills that have thankfully been failing).  But why.  I've asked the question before "Why my sin" but that question remains unanswered.  Why do the religious right think they've been discriminated against to the degree that they have to make it legal to discriminate against me?
They haven't.  Quite frankly.  Capitalism is the rule of "I'll take my business where I want," and that's fine.  If I were to get married, I would seek out planners and caterers and cake makers that not only accept but embrace homosexual couples.  Because love is love.  I would avoid those companies that look at my sin, while serving pork or shrimp at other receptions.
But the problem with religious discrimination bills isn't just that they target me, they target us all.  Arizona, let's play a hypothetical game.  Let's say your a business owner that doesn't like "illegal immigrants."  What does religious freedom give you now - you can not serve these people of your community based on their skin color but call it some obscene rule under giving what is Caesar to Caesar (tax reference that many tea partiers unfortunately believe these immigrants pay no taxes).
It allows a protestant business owner the right to discriminate against a man wearing his kippah; or a woman wearing her veils.  Because they are different.  That's what it amounts to - legal discrimination based on someone being different than self.
We as a country have come further than this; we have more ground to cover but it's thought like this that takes us back to separate drinking fountains; the back of buses; and hate words being talked about on radio and TV by personalities that have no right to cast the first stone.
What can we do - we can show love.  We can practice respect.  We can understand that the differences we all have aren't to be feared but to be celebrated.  And lifted.

If you think Arizona is doing the right thing, tell me.  To my face.  That I'm less than you.  Chances are that you won't.  But if you're honest and you do, expect me to look at you with pity.  Because if you know me and you can't celebrate me, what kind of hate do you have in your life?

Daily...

"'X' come back."

It's been over two years.  I know that.  Fuck, do I know it.  But "'X come back'" is a phrase that for two years, I have said out loud or thought at some point.  Daily.  And with that thought of bringing him back, what could I do….

I was in a therapy group.  And I said in that group "I would do anything, including sacrificing one of you, to get him back."  While on my yogi journey that's not appropriate, the underlying statement is - I would give anything to have him back - even in the form of friend.  Someone in the group said something along the lines of "You (me) couldn't take him."  To which I thought - hell hath no fury like….

I'm coming up to the two year mark on when I scattered his ashes on a mountain over-looking the ocean.  The exact spot, only I now where.  The general vicinity, a few people know.  The spot was one that he took me to on one of our first vacations together as a couple.  It.  Is.  Beautiful.  To say the least.  He was deserving of it.

See, here's the dilemma - what if the man that you loved died.

And you (I) never stopped loving him.  I believe when he broke up with me, he took a chunk of my heart.  And I never got it back before he died.  I love the concept of love.  And many days, I think I'm capable of it.  I have fears of love though too.  And that's where my problem lies.

There is currently another.  The "boy," as I call him to people that don't know him personally, is competing against a perfect ghost.  X was a great man.  He had his faults; I have my faults; we had our faults as couple; but in my memory, he is perfect.

And the boy gets this.  He's gently, VERY gently pointed things out along my path to life again - X broke up with me; X did this…; X did that….; I did this…; I did that…

The concept of love and marriage is so amazing to me.  I get twitterpated.  (check out Bambi).  Being in love is an amazing feeling. And I hope that with the boy, or whomever comes along, I can somehow find my whole heart.  And give it back.

Putting the phone down...

There's a movement afoot and it revolves around our cell phones.  Another blogger wrote a post about divorcing his phone this year; a video illustrates how many people miss out on whats around them because they're only looking through the lens of the camera on the phone.

I think the concept of stepping away from the phone is great but we as humans need to take an action before we step away from the phone and begin actual interaction - stop acting liking we're on a reality TV show.  These shows and the "entertainment" they provide make it appear it's perfectly OK to make digs, snide comments, or backhanded compliments TO OUR FRIENDS.  Forget that we would never speak to a stranger like that but to a friend.

Case example:
I had two friends from my life with my ex that provide the appearance they're good people and amazing friends.  I went to lunch with "John," "Jane," and "Paul" (another mutual friend) on a pretty emotional day for me and during the course of the lunch, Paul was on the receiving end of comment after comment from John.  Some went after his intelligence, some went after his accent (he was born and raised in Europe), but none of the comments lifted Paul in any way.  Jane, John's then fiancee, sat by Paul and said nothing.  At one point, I looked at John and and whispered "Why do you talk to him like that?"  To which his response was "Because that's how he likes it."

Wow.  Those comments are pretty close to actual because they burned into my memory.  So not only is it OK to talk to a friend like shit, friends actually like it.  "X" used to come home from working with John and Paul livid and angry with how John treated Paul.  It's something that we all do; yes, myself included though I've tried to pay attention comments I make after the above incident.  But we're none perfect.

So if you've joined the movement to put your phone down and step away, make the commitment to remember the golden rule - treat others as you would like to be treated.  Think before you speak.  Speak it before you type it.  Honor your friendships.

New Year's Resolution

It's January 2, 2014.  Another year gone, a new one here.  What do I want to accomplish this year?  How do I want to live this year?  Who am I going to become this year?  All good and valid questions that anyone should ask of themselves prior to setting goals.  I think the biggest question should be - why am I putting these out there when I don't know who I want to be or why?
Where should I go this year?  This year, I'm after the intangibles.  Happiness.  Friendship.  Love.  Great things that we all can and should focus on but how do you measure one.  My happy is not your happy; friends are often not "in it" for the same reason(s); love is tricky, it's messy, but it's oh so tingly.

Based on those three, in no particular order, my resolutions.  Some are positive and feel good; others not so much but no less realistic.  Feel free to steal or share.  But make sure when stolen or shared, the focus remains on the three - happiness; friendship; love.

1 - I'm going to blog more often.  I like my thoughts.  And you should too.
2 - Blogs needn't be a revelation but could be mundane works.  I had paneer masala for dinner.  Thank you India for introducing me.
3 - I will honor my friends in their lives and their adventures.
4 - I've had friends be not supportive in a variety of situations; I wish you no ill but I haven't forgotten.  And chances are, you never knew to begin with.
5 - If number 4 spoke to you and you actually did know, I bow my head and shrug my shoulders.
6 - I never want to be the person of number 5.
7 - Do something for someone else.  Daily.  Simple hello.  Provide a laugh or a shoulder.  These small and quiet things say more about an individual than larger actions.
8 - Do something big.  Because there's always someone someplace that needs help with _______.
9 - I won't be afraid to love again.  Anyone new is not "X."  And X is not anyone else.  While I will always carry a piece of him with me, I'm living my own life now.  Scary as it may be.
10 - Laugh daily.
11 - Hug often.
12 - Believe in self.
13 - Make my own luck.

Power to change

"Lend your voice only to the sounds freedom
No longer lend your strength to that which you wish to be free from."

Another Jewel song that resonates with me.  And it was the guiding force behind a dharma talk recently.  What is it that you most want to change about your life, your self?  Bad habits are just that - they are bad habits.  We all have created them within self without even realizing they are present.  But present they are.  They drive, they control us, they shape us.  But we have the ultimate control over those habits.  We have the strength.

On the flip side - we can recreate good habits.  I read somewhere once a habit is effectively developed after 21 consistent days of applying that habit.  I'm not sure if I can really believe that but think about where you put your energy and 21 days.  Less than a month.  If we try to change something in ourselves for 21 back to back to back days, wouldn't that result in a change.  Of some sort.

Why do we put off new goals for a new week/month/year?  Why don't we start today?  New Year's is just around the corner.  Friends and family everywhere will be thinking about what they change about themselves in the coming year.  But why wait?  If it's a change that is really for the better (read: weight loss for health and not appearance), why not start here and now?  It is within our power.  It's within our energy.

Change that which you can change within yourself and see what the impact is to your world.

What do you see.....

What do you see when you look at me?  I don't know if there's a right or wrong answer but I've had some thoughts about what some people may see.  I'm not seeking confirmation or correction; I want you to think about it.  No answer is required.  In fact, no answer is desired.

For those that knew me as half of "X and Darin," I think they see a vivid and harsh reminder.  I'm the reminder of possibly the break but definitely the death.  I can't imagine people that knew X to be able to look at me without seeing his shadow, seeing his smile, hearing his laugh.  One life continues on while the other ended.  That's what I think people that knew us see.  And for that vision, they choose to not see me.

For those that met me after the break, after the death, I think they see some hollowness, like a puzzle with a missing piece.  I am missing a piece - my best friend.  For 18 long months, I've carried that piece, shielded that piece from the view of others.  Most people don't know what caused that rip to exist.  I choose not to share it often.  But I think people see an ocean crashing beneath.

I hope people see me for me.  A healing man.  A man that is missing that puzzle piece but has somehow found a way to carry on.  I hope that anyone that knew X does see his shadow.  But rather than have it be the shadow of what is missing, may it be the light of him I carry on.  I have slowly, with persistence, put the puzzle together.  Whichever it may be, my hope is that you know, you realize, that I am who I am because he helped me to learn, to grow.  I feel like an old soul in the shell that is this body.  And I hope people see the ocean crashing as strength.

I stand, because he stood.

What shapes you?

My dharma this month for all of my classes has revolved around being playful, finding the fun in yoga. It's easy to do when you're attempting bakasana (crow) because it's a crazy fun pose!  Your body is being lifted in the air by your arms and if you fail, you get to do a summersault.  Fun.

But what in more difficult poses?  How do you find the joy, the playful, the bliss?  And how do you find all of those in your life?

I re-read a poem recently that left a nugget in my mind.  It was written by Jewel (sorry but I think her thought process is beautiful and her words even more so)....

The things you fear are undefeatable
not by their nature but by your approach.

So it's not the fear itself that defeats us.  We defeat ourselves.  Daily.  Maybe even more frequently.  When the universe throws a fear, a challenge, a really shitty day your way, it's not that moment that defines us - it's how we respond that makes us.  Believe me, I know bad things happen.  But at some point, after grieving and missing him so much, I had the option: I could either continue to feel sorry for myself or I could find a way to grow.  I chose to grow.  Though on the scale of things, it's only been a teeny tiny bit of growth.  It's growth.  And I still miss "X" daily.

But my missing him now is changed.  Rather than making it more on the depressed side of things, I smile often when I think of him.  Seriously smile.  And that's the flip in the switch we all need to make with whatever is happening in our lives.  As I told a few friends recently, we all have the power within us to shape our own direction.  That power can come from a variety of emotions.  And it's that power, that strength that makes us the person we are today.

And the survivor/fighter/lover we'll be.