Power to change

"Lend your voice only to the sounds freedom
No longer lend your strength to that which you wish to be free from."

Another Jewel song that resonates with me.  And it was the guiding force behind a dharma talk recently.  What is it that you most want to change about your life, your self?  Bad habits are just that - they are bad habits.  We all have created them within self without even realizing they are present.  But present they are.  They drive, they control us, they shape us.  But we have the ultimate control over those habits.  We have the strength.

On the flip side - we can recreate good habits.  I read somewhere once a habit is effectively developed after 21 consistent days of applying that habit.  I'm not sure if I can really believe that but think about where you put your energy and 21 days.  Less than a month.  If we try to change something in ourselves for 21 back to back to back days, wouldn't that result in a change.  Of some sort.

Why do we put off new goals for a new week/month/year?  Why don't we start today?  New Year's is just around the corner.  Friends and family everywhere will be thinking about what they change about themselves in the coming year.  But why wait?  If it's a change that is really for the better (read: weight loss for health and not appearance), why not start here and now?  It is within our power.  It's within our energy.

Change that which you can change within yourself and see what the impact is to your world.

What do you see.....

What do you see when you look at me?  I don't know if there's a right or wrong answer but I've had some thoughts about what some people may see.  I'm not seeking confirmation or correction; I want you to think about it.  No answer is required.  In fact, no answer is desired.

For those that knew me as half of "X and Darin," I think they see a vivid and harsh reminder.  I'm the reminder of possibly the break but definitely the death.  I can't imagine people that knew X to be able to look at me without seeing his shadow, seeing his smile, hearing his laugh.  One life continues on while the other ended.  That's what I think people that knew us see.  And for that vision, they choose to not see me.

For those that met me after the break, after the death, I think they see some hollowness, like a puzzle with a missing piece.  I am missing a piece - my best friend.  For 18 long months, I've carried that piece, shielded that piece from the view of others.  Most people don't know what caused that rip to exist.  I choose not to share it often.  But I think people see an ocean crashing beneath.

I hope people see me for me.  A healing man.  A man that is missing that puzzle piece but has somehow found a way to carry on.  I hope that anyone that knew X does see his shadow.  But rather than have it be the shadow of what is missing, may it be the light of him I carry on.  I have slowly, with persistence, put the puzzle together.  Whichever it may be, my hope is that you know, you realize, that I am who I am because he helped me to learn, to grow.  I feel like an old soul in the shell that is this body.  And I hope people see the ocean crashing as strength.

I stand, because he stood.

What shapes you?

My dharma this month for all of my classes has revolved around being playful, finding the fun in yoga. It's easy to do when you're attempting bakasana (crow) because it's a crazy fun pose!  Your body is being lifted in the air by your arms and if you fail, you get to do a summersault.  Fun.

But what in more difficult poses?  How do you find the joy, the playful, the bliss?  And how do you find all of those in your life?

I re-read a poem recently that left a nugget in my mind.  It was written by Jewel (sorry but I think her thought process is beautiful and her words even more so)....

The things you fear are undefeatable
not by their nature but by your approach.

So it's not the fear itself that defeats us.  We defeat ourselves.  Daily.  Maybe even more frequently.  When the universe throws a fear, a challenge, a really shitty day your way, it's not that moment that defines us - it's how we respond that makes us.  Believe me, I know bad things happen.  But at some point, after grieving and missing him so much, I had the option: I could either continue to feel sorry for myself or I could find a way to grow.  I chose to grow.  Though on the scale of things, it's only been a teeny tiny bit of growth.  It's growth.  And I still miss "X" daily.

But my missing him now is changed.  Rather than making it more on the depressed side of things, I smile often when I think of him.  Seriously smile.  And that's the flip in the switch we all need to make with whatever is happening in our lives.  As I told a few friends recently, we all have the power within us to shape our own direction.  That power can come from a variety of emotions.  And it's that power, that strength that makes us the person we are today.

And the survivor/fighter/lover we'll be.

Why?

There's a moment, every night.

Why comes to the front of my mind.  Why.

Why did my life run off the rails two years ago?

Why did it fall into a pit a year ago?

Why did it take me so long to realize "friends" may not be friends?

Why is a very tough question to answer.  As children are able to, remember the time when a child just posed that simple question to their Mom.  Repeatedly.  Eventually, the answer becomes "Because I said so."  End of story.
But it actually isn't.  The story goes on.  Where I am today is a completely different story than a year ago; than three years ago; than seven years ago.  My story is poetic in an odd way...and yet, I carry on. With life, we don't get the chance to go back and change events.  I know of a few I would change if I could.  But I can't.  They are part of the story that tells people who I am today.
Different religions say different things about my experience and this is not meant to be a religious post.  But, if the last few years would have answered, where would I be?  And why would I be there?  The outcome is changed dramatically.  From an office building tall to barefoot yogi - dramatic difference.

Why I still cry when I miss "X," I may never know.  Part of me hopes it'll always be there.  His smile.  The way he said my name.  The look in his eyes when he looked at me.  I may never know, in this lifetime, the answer to the question "Why did he leave me?"  But my story, wherever it may lead, isn't over.  And his name is the foundation of every page.

Why???  Not sure.  But he had that impact on me.

Passion...........

What is it?  Let's keep it clean and out of the bedroom.  My thoughts tonight are around passion in life.

I took a leap a year ago in what some may say was a "bad choice."  I left my job with nothing lined up and really no thought of what I would do.  But I felt (strongly) the prompting of my "X" from the next life.  Because of family health issues not related to that leap, it took me a bit of time to settle but I have found my passion.

I told one of my best friends the other day I'm 'content.'  Let's think on this word...it's not specifically jump to the ceiling happy but it conveys a bigger, more intense feeling.  I feel like I'm finally getting to that point in my life where, when I let out a big sigh, it's not out of exasperation but from "wow, I didn't know it could be like this."

And I know for a fact, I'm at the point I can say -
I've survived the worst thing life can throw at me.  Mess with me, my family or my friends,,,it's on.  Nothing you can do or say is worse and I will win.

I have caught up with friends the last few days and I want them to find their content.  It's different to each of us and we really have to find our passion.  I've told people before, I think I may have blogged about it - I am so lucky to go to work daily and love what I do.  And when I teach a class, that's just an extra big bonus.

I'm writing this because as a former member of corporate and non-profit USA, what does it take to find our passion?  To do what we love?  To wake up in the morning and think "man, I like sleep but I can't wait to get to work."  So reader challenge - close your eyes after reading this statement, take one deep inhale, a slow and steady exhale and think......what makes me content?

Open your eyes slowly and ask yourself "What's holding me back?"  Chances are, the answer to that last question will be found in the mirror.

Frozen cheese

I like the title of this post.  I think it's an appropriate reminder of something I learned this week.  But first, a little back story....

I've been wondering where my "place" in the world of yoga is and what it will look up.  For multiple reasons, #badyogi is appropriate to me.  I curse.  Sometimes a lot but thankfully I haven't dropped the F-bomb in a class yet.  I find humor in the actions of others and don't hesitate to point them out with varying levels of sarcasm.  I have an ego.  Zoinks.  Anyone that knows me would agree.  I'm not religious.  At all.  And fundamentally, I think religious groups and those that encourage people to live one way or another are flawed and cause greater problems than they solve.  I say what's on my mind, sometimes after thinking through it, sometimes I blast it out, without a thought of what the outcome may be.  I'm highly energetic and to people that don't know me well (even some that do), that energy can be overwhelming.

So for the long term, or even the short term, what is my role as a yogi?  Looking at the counter of #badyogi, is #goodyogi.

I haven't cursed in a class yet because I respect the mat too much.  For the time anyone spends on a mat, it's a type of sacred time.  If it's religious and helping advance through this karmic cycle or just a great workout, mat time is individual.  I say frequently in classes to give the mat that which you don't need - anger, fear, doubt - and take that which you do need - strength, hope, peace.
My ego is kept in check by friends, family and my own sarcasm.  Yes, I may mock others.  But I'm also the first to mock myself.  Not from a place of ill intent but because life is funny.  We all do things that at the time are ridiculous but with time (maybe even just a few seconds), there's something funny there.  What's so bad about sharing laughter with the world?
I'm not religious.  And I may never be again.  But I am spiritual.  I believe there's something more out there, I'm just not so overly confident to say what that is.  Or who.  I believe there has been a hand guiding me, most recently by my best friend that's gone ahead.  While "X" hasn't been in my dreams lately, he has visited Baxter in the past month.  And when Baxter was sick this week, I called on him to watch over our boy while I was at work.  But "X" is just an angel of sorts.  A spirit.
Saying what I think is often viewed as healthy because I don't keep things in, keep them bottled up.  But it also means I don't really follow others.  Well.  Or at all.
My energy, that's actually beneficial in class.  When the class starts breathing heavy, giving me that look, it ramps me up.  And when I ramp up, I can help the class ramp up.  Yoga can and should be exciting.

Which leads me to the frozen cheese.  In a class this week, I set the intention of finding joyfulness, finding the playful and just being in the moment for what that moment was.  Some asanas aren't fun; anything with a hamstring stretch causes my legs to SHOUT.  And the joy in that pose, for me, is that I'm only holding it for a certain number of breaths.  The end can be joyful.
After class, a student stopped me.  She's from India and mentioned she has practiced and studied yoga for years.  And mine was the first class that she ever felt the joy yoga can bring.  We talked about our paths and destinies.  We talked about our practices, what inspires us.  And for 20 minutes, we were teachers of each other and students of life.  As she was leaving, she brought me some cheese, still wrapped in the plastic from the manufacturer.  She thanked me for giving her spiritual food and asked if she could give me some physical food.
I took it, knowing that I wouldn't eat.  Not because I don't eat cheese but because in that moment, I knew my role as a yogi and I knew I have a place in the world of yoga.  And her cheese gift, which has taken up prominent residence in my freezer, is a reminder to always search for the joyful, the playful and to let each moment be that - just a moment.  And I think the world of yoga is most definitely big enough for this #badyogi.

Another candle...

I did it.  I somehow braced myself for the inevitable but found that the birthday of "X," though a painful reminder, was survivable.  I don't really know how.  In the 18 months since his death, I have yet to have a day that I don't think of him.  I did things all day that I enjoy and kept me busy.  And yoga, in all of it's "karmic wisdom," worked really well for me.  When I felt a memory or emotion coming up, I felt it.  I was in the present.  I allowed that memory to take root in my self....and I smiled.

"X" was a really great guy.  Anyone that knew him would agree without blinking an eye.  I am the luckiest of all to have 10 years of memories with him; some good, some bad, some AMAZING.  But they are my memories.  And each one reminds me of the love we felt for each other.  Even at the end.

He was my best friend.  He is my best friend.  That void in my life has yet to be filled by a non-canine. But I can honestly say now, 18 months after the shatter, I have hope.  "X" would have wanted that.  He would have wanted my happiness; for Baxter to be spoiled rotten (he is); for the cat to hiss at every person that isn't me that comes into the apartment (she does).

I never fully understood why he broke up with me until after his death.  I still don't.  But from what I gather from friends, he thought he was holding me back.  I don't know what he was holding me back from - he was the reason I had wings.

Thankfully, because he taught me well, I found my wings again.  And I'm beginning to soar.  I will continue to miss him every day, most likely for the rest of my life.  But I will take that faith he had in me and the lessons of humanity he gave me and apply them.  I look to my future with hope.  Should the day come and I'm lucky enough to meet someone I marry, one chair will be left purposefully vacant.  He will be there with me, in spirit.  Smiling.  Probably calling me a "big ass."  But I imagine a moment, when I give my vows to the man standing across from me, that I look out in the audience, see "X," and he winks.

And I will always wink back.

Who am I?

That question has been brought about by my need to write a profile for my yoga teaching.  Yikes.  But there is an answer to that question than is inappropriate to a yoga profile.
First off, I'm sarcastic.  I use sarcasm as both my weapon and my shield.  There are pieces of my life that I still do not let people into.  There are (were) people in my life that I will still defend to my utmost using said sarcasm.  But a yogi shouldn't be about sarcasm.
Secondly, I'm pretty emotional.  Don't be surprised by that one.  The only emotion I'm in control of at all times - anger.  I'm pretty sure if I let that one out of the bag, there would be some damage done to people I really truly care about.  And I do not want that.  Grief, guilt, sorrow, happy...all of them I let out and on my sleeve.  Anger,  I have.  But cannot direct it at the one person I need to so it's the bystanders that need to be wary.  And a yogi should definitely not let anger guide them.
Third, yoga is not the same thing for me that it is for others.  It's not about removing myself from this cycle of living that I'm tied to because of karma.  It's about a good workout, coupled with 60-90 minutes a day that I can shut down my mind; shut down my emotions; and just be.  Yoga is in this.
The gym and exercise have been my safe place.  Yoga is a continuation of that.  It reminds me that life can be tough and when it gets tough, you just breathe through it and it'll pass.  I've been waiting on the "tough" to pass for over a year now.  I will always carry certain secrets with me.  But I know that right here, right now, is where I belong.  While religious tones of any nature are hard for me to grasp and hold to, I get that I'm not "it."

There's something more out there.  Be it a god or gods, or a guardian angel or the spirit of someone that went before.....
Something is smoothing my edges, working to calm me and working to show me that I can and will live (and love) again.

Darin has practiced yoga for over 10 years.  His original practice focused on improving his overall joint health for running and not on the full impact yoga has.  He took the steps in 2012 to reclaim his life, to reclaim his happiness and along the way, he rediscovered yoga.  That discovery reminded him of his passion to teach, to help others and to somehow, if at all possible, help someone else on their journey.
With his path into teaching, Darin believes that yoga can and should be something different for each of us - taking from the mat that which we need the most and giving back that which we do no need or want.  His energy is contagious and his love for both yoga and student shines through in his teaching.  His desire to  help others along their path is founded in hope and in the desire to lift the next up.  He stands for something and someone that is greater than all.  And Darin compares himself to a dolphin, where dolphins make everything fun.  Because after all, #workisplay and #playiswork.

The dolphin....

In the yoga classes I teach, I like to talk about various poses and what they may communicate, both in the practice and in life.  Each time I've taught dolphin pose to the classes, I come back with the same guiding principle: dolphins have fun.  A lot of fun.  For them, work is play and play is work.

As I was walking Baxter tonight, that mantra came to my mind.  And for whatever reason, the connection to dolphins was made.  I am a dolphin.  Not literally in having a blow hole and swimming daily but in the small snippet - I enjoy my job.  Wait, I FREAKING enjoy my job.

Teaching yoga classes is quite possibly some of the most fun I've ever had.  Each class is new and different and full of energy.  Each class I get to share my love for yoga with a group of students - some just starting out on their yogic journey, others experienced beyond the years I have - but they all develop a love and respect for their mat.  Sure, I may make a complete fool of myself each class because of my enthusiasm but the underlying message back from each person in each class is this - they do not want me to fail.  They have a connection to my success.  That success is their mat.
Every class I teach, I set my own intention - to communicate how much I love/respect yoga first and foremost and secondly, if the connection is made, to create that same love/respect in my students.
How many people get the real opportunity to quit their day jobs and then chase something.  When that happened to me a year ago, the only thing I knew for certain was that "X" was prompting me strongly, with visible signs, that it was time for me to move on.  I did.  I didn't know what my next step would be.  I feel fortunate to have found passion, drive, motivation and fun in my job.  I'm managing people again, which anyone I've ever managed would say is something I love.  But more importantly, I'm training people again.  I REALLY REALLY love that aspect.  To take someone's fear of dolphin and then remind them to find joy in it.  Because it's there.  Honest.  You just have to make it appear.

#workisplay #playiswork

Dharma talk, number 2

I firmly believe that people don't do enough to show others gratitude.  Being thankful for something provided by another is actually tough because it points to the one thing we have a hard time admitting - we need help.
I have to admit, I have a really bad habit.  One that solidifies my #badyogi standing but at the same time, I hope it causes the other person a moment of pause.  I tell people "you're welcome," especially when they don't thank me to begin with.  If I hold the door for someone and they just rush through, I say it; if someone asks for paper/pen/something and just grabs it away, I definitely say it.  I'm not sure it ever has the effect I want it to have but in my mind, if someone were to say it to me out of the blue, I would wonder "why'd they just say that??"  And then my mind would wrap around the manner I forgot.  My mind works differently though.
In a recent class, I walked through emotions that I associate with gratitude.  Humble, content, appreciative.  There is a difference in each of those feelings when you are on the receiving or the giving end.  Buy someone a coffee, they say thank you, you think "no big deal."  But that person has a bigger and better emotion tied to it - you thought of them when...

I think that's the underlying thread in my yoga practice and journal these days.  Thinking of others.  Hoping that in some way, shape or form, I can lift them up.  More people than I can count somehow lifted me up and out over the past year and the gratitude I feel for each of them is overwhelming.  I'm humbled to think so many people were willing to help.  And I hope, in some little way each day, I can give some of that back to the world.

If I could tell the world one thing....

It would be, we're all ok.


The title of this blog and first line of the subject are lyrics of a song by Jewel.  I don't know why, but I connect with them.  Think on that one statement.

We're.  All.  Ok.
There's a sense of oneness in that.  That we don't have to strive for something else that isn't us.  What if we said "fuck society."  What would the resulting action be?
It would mean that a teenaged kid wouldn't listen to the church anymore about his being gay was a sin, when in reality, that book they're reading, says we all are.
It would mean that a woman, possibly you, wouldn't compare herself with other women based on appearance.
In fact, none of us would compare ourselves at all.  Seriously.  What matters at the end of the day?  A female's dress size?  My #sixpack?


No.  What matters comes in the form of multiple different things.  Kindness.  Honesty.  Love.  Compassion.  Happiness.

And what sucks about all of those is that society tells us daily that what matters is appearance, money, appearance and more money.  But let's get back to it.  And say however you want to say it.  My sailor mouth will stress the meaning for us all.  Fuck.  Society.  I'm good enough.  I'm smart enough.  And gosh darn it, people like me.  Yep, classic SNL got it right 20 years ago and we're all still struggling with it.  I don't look for "vanity" when I'm looking for friends.  But I treasure those that honor friendship; that glorify the regular; and those that at the end of the day, when I'm having a shitty day, i can turn to and say "Pick me up."

We all should.  Those are the friends that are with us for life.  And those are the friends that we NEVER need to explain actions.  It comes down to the game Red Rover.  Would you rather stand by someone who you don't know and may give you up....

Or stand next to the one that knows you and isn't going to let go, regardless of how hard your friendship is hit?

"I won't be made useless.  Won't be idle with despair......"

"....In the end, only kindness matters......."

Dharma talk, number 1

I teach yoga.  It's been a wild and wonderful journey to get to this point and I cannot say how much I've loved it.  I'm a relatively new yogi, finding my path but it's so crazy cool and I can tell now - I'm on a path.  As a teacher at the studio, I get to give a dharma talk to help set an intention for class.  In my mind, it can range from a great workout to meditation to whatever.
My dharma talk in a class this week came from a friend and his wife, whom I may have only met in passing at a softball game.  I worked with him when we were both in a past "life," and since we have moved on.  Moving on/forward is a common theme in my thoughts but my thought about them revolved around their dedication to give back.
They've dedicated not only their lives but their relationship to a "1 of 7" concept.  Translated, one day out of every seven, give something back.  Giving back for them can range from volunteering at a soup kitchen to mowing a lawn to picking up trash.  It's helping others out in a way that they are able, in that moment, to help.
I am inspired by them.  I'm a yogi in DC.  Or in reality, I'm a #badyogi in DC, trying to figure out what's going on.  How can I apply that to my life.  And the answer hit....

I can lead a class and when I set their intention for the class.  And for this class, I set the intention to think of one person in their life that was struggling.  Struggling with health issues, financial scares, employment or whatever it may be.  While those in the class may not have the time available to give back in an "organized" manner, they were on a mat for an hour.  Whether or not you believe in the spiritual connection to the universe that the mat carries is not the issue.  Imagine if someone comes to you and says "I thought about you for an hour today."  What is the POWER in letting someone know that bit of information?
Throughout the hour, I kept bringing poses back to the person and making it relatable.  Warrior II is, to me anyway, the most proud stance.  What has this person done or is this person doing that makes you proud?  Dolphin pose reminds us that work is play and play is work; how can we help this person take joy in the little things?  And child's pose has us bowing - the ultimate sign of respect and honor.
At the end of class, I'm asked the students to tell their person they were thought of for 60 minutes.  Hopefully they did.  I told my inspiration for my dharma talk that he and his wife inspired it.  And I'm doing it again....

Kip and Liz - for those that know you or know of you, we've learned that giving of self isn't hard and should be a regularly scheduled event.  You make me want become that person that will join you on your journey giving something back to the world that we all need.  Whatever that may be, for that day.  Namaste!

Why my sin...

This is going to be another tough post to write and I think it may be my first that becomes a "work in progress."  It's about religion, both organized and spiritual.  And at the end of the process, I may have a question to ask the reader.  I may not.  I don't know where I'm taking this but there's this thought that keeps coming back...

Why my sin?

Why is it that I'm the one that was shamed from the pulpit growing up?  Why is my sin so much worse than yours?  How is it that churches freely protest me and my life while ignoring members of their own congregation.  Biblically speaking, there are multiple sins listed.  Murder, adultery, jealousy, divorce.  Bacon.

But I'm singled out.  Because I fell in love with a man?  Or because my being Christian and loving a man demolishes your faith in the Bible?  Because quite frankly, my faith took a few stumbles when I came to terms with it.  There are so many bigger things to be concerned with in this day and age, so why is a hateful "Christian" church praising God for deaths because of me?  Why is an organization that shapes the lives of young men slowly coming to terms with letting a young man in that may be different?  Why have others judged me harshly yet forgotten - they are not the judge?

Organized religion, and those that lean on it for support because they are afraid (my word, not theirs), are potentially the worst combination.  Bullying a LGBT youth is always going to be acceptable,,,until the church realizes they are the ultimate bully.  Organized religion today doesn't spread the gospel of Christ, but the gospel of self.  A gay man (me), that knows more about the Bible than most ministers, is a bigger threat to them than a non-believer.  And so to cast me out, they highlight my sin.

I know a few things they don't though.  God, whomever he, she or it ends up being, made me like this. Honest.  I've chosen to be happy, to be myself.  I didn't have to but I did.  I know I am so lucky to have a family that has continued to love me.  To support me.  And I know there are many out there that aren't so lucky.  My hope, my dream, is that slowly, one person at a time, the message gets out - I (we) are just like you.  We (I) want to love the person our heart leads us to.  Happiness is the ultimate goal.  And I know my favorite book of the Bible still is Ephesians.  I don't know why.  I like it though.

Where is my faith today?  That's another blog, meant for another time/place.  But where I am today wasn't shaped by me being gay, but it was shaped by me loving another man.

Coming out....

This is going to be a tough blog to write, it makes me uncomfortable to a degree to write it.  It may or may not make the reader uncomfortable as well, but my intent is to cause some thought.

Jason Collins, an NBA player currently looking for a team (so read active and not retired), came out today.  I read his story and can relate to the religious exposure he had growing up.  I can relate to his story of feeling "free" with this announcement.  But I hedge to call him a hero as many gay organizations are doing.

Not because he isn't.  But because the only thing that makes him different than many of my friends and our stories is that he is an NBA player.  He breaks the "athletic stereotype," but guess what, so do I and so do many of my friends.  Quite a few of my best gay friends have been made on the softball field, on the volleyball court, or by talking at a sports bar while watching college football.  Many of us are athletes but many of us aren't.

But regardless of athletic ability or design aesthetic, we all have a story.  And because we have that story, we came to terms (hopefully) with being gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender, and we overcame our doubts about ourselves and our future.  We are heroes.  We can also be the villains - of our own destinies.  We should be shouting out accolades of support for each other...until the day that coming out isn't necessary, much like coming out as "straight" isn't even a thought.

If you've read this blog and agree with my takeaway - that we all should be lifted until the need to lifted is gone - then do two things for me...
1- Share this with friends.  It opens me up to being more vulnerable than I'd like but I also want people to know - I carry the gay flag for all of us, but most especially for those that came before and to never forget our struggle.
2- Ask the G/L/B/T's in your life their story.  Seriously.  Ask.  We all have a story.  And we all deserve the recognition.

Graduation day....

I completed training this week to become a Vinyasa yoga instructor.  And while I am happy and excited to see where this path leads, I had a bittersweet thought that kept returning - "X" would have been so proud of me.  He always wanted me to find something that I was passionate about again.  "X" always wanted the best out of me and he consistently challenged my thought processes; that was the attorney in him and the fake attorney in me.  I have found a sense of self and passion in the fitness realm and I'm not sure where I'll end up yet.  This career trajectory was no where on the radar a year ago, as I've taken the time to find myself, to trust myself, I've learned a few things.

Steps forward, even with the occasional step(s) backward, are always a positive.
New careers are scary.  And exciting.
We touch lives daily - but it takes more focus to impact lives.
I want to impact, not just touch.
My personality is bigger than yours.  It just is.  =)

Those are not my rules to live by or anything of the like.  Those are just points that for me, in this moment, right here and now,,,,I connect with.  It's taken almost a year for me to really find myself and my happy.  I'm still looking but I can say with confidence I'm getting there.  One step at a time.

Red box, part 2

As promised, part two of the red box...

I was able to play in the 2006 Outgames in Montreal.  For the opening ceremonies, they had the all athletes line up from what I presumed to be the rear of the Olympic Stadium.  From that side, we never saw any spectators coming into the stadium.  The walk in began after the ceremony started and began outside but slowly we made our way into the tunnels below the stadium.  And then it got darker as we entered the last little tunnel before the stadium and walked in....

And we were not alone.  What seemed like the entire city of Montreal was up in the stands cheering.  For us!  Most of weren't from Montreal or even Canada but they were there to show their excitement and support and welcoming us to the city.

That's the little red equal on the pages I see of family and friends.  It means that though they may not be gay, they understand love.  It's a sign that this battle for the right to shout to the world about the man I love is a true.  It's a sign that because of interactions they've had with either other gays or myself, they realize that we are human (shock) and that we love (bigger shock).  It's a swell of pride and affection from me to anyone that finally gets it - I am not defined by a book that calls me a sinner but I define myself by being who I am and loving who my heart chooses.

It also means I need to plan a bigger wedding.  Good thing I'm not engaged yet.

That red box...

Today the Supreme Court heard arguments for/against California's Prop 8; tomorrow it'll be the Defense of Marriage Act.  In solidarity/support, the red equal sign has been appearing on profiles and hopefully more will add it.  But I thought I'd write a different stance on it and say what it means to me...

<deep thoughts, by me>

I put the red box on my page to show I'm not less than. I'm not less than straight family and friends that have had the chance to go through their weddings and spend their lives with the partner they love most.  I've been told and heard from churches and those that don't know me (even some that do), that I am less than worthy.  Worthy of what though?  Was I born this way or did I choose to live this way?  The answer, quite frankly, is both.  My earliest memory of being "different" but not knowing what that difference was,,,,I was in first grade.  Six years old roughly.  I had no idea what "gay" meant but I knew I was NOT wired like the other boys.  And I hid that for years, from others but mostly from myself.
This is where the choice to be gay comes in.  I could have kept up that charade, married a woman, maybe had children.  But what would that life have been?  I would have been miserable, she would have been miserable.  My choice was to live my life for me, to be who I was made to be and to share with my family and friends me - being happy.  For anyone that knew me prior to "coming out," I was a shadow of the man I am today.  In simple words, I was miserable.
But the red box is a break from that.  It's me, claiming my right AS A HUMAN and a citizen of this country.  It's me saying that should I be lucky enough to find someone I want to spend the rest of my life with, I can.  And I will.

And tomorrow, I'll tell you what that red box means when I see it on other profiles.....

Loss....

"X" is on my mind again this week.  One reminder I have every month - when the child support is due. In our case, it was food for the dog and cat and the cat litter.  Plus any other treats he thought they needed.  Baxter's skateboard was never taken out of the box.  Sorry.

Baxter's food bag was emptied this morning, which means I have to buy him and the cat more.  It's obviously no big deal but it brings X to the forefront of my mind monthly.  And this reminder I'll always have.  Grateful for the memories, sad for the loss.

The other reminder of loss I've had this week came in conversation with a friend that lost someone last year as well.  I've told people this before so I may as well put it down - as a society, we do/say what we think needs to be done/said when someone passes.  Sympathy or empathy, we are there for them.  Initially.  But what society can never prepare us for is being on the "receiving" end of loss.  Whether you think five or seven stages is the logical model, that's just a model.  There's no set pattern.  And we're hit in sometimes the most odd moment with an emotion that takes us back to that point of time when we shattered.

When "S" had that moment this week, she did something that not many people can - I couldn't.  She reached out to me, someone that had been in that moment before.  And while she and I are separated by distance, in that moment, I was by her side, knowing there is nothing I can say to lessen the pain.

My advice to anyone that has a friend, family member dealing with loss is below....
     - Let them grieve how they will.  Don't try and bring out a stage.  They all happen.  With time.
     - Love them.  Unconditionally.
     - No words can fill the void.  None.  So don't try.  We just want someone by our side.  Even in silence.

What's the message....

I'm troubled by something that keeps ringing around my head and I idiotically just tried to post it on the wall of a Facebook organization.

Here's my thought.  Let's say you have a group that shows up at funerals and other events protesting human rights.  Namely, my rights to love and live.  I'm not mentioning said organization because that's my point.  News articles always call those that come out against this organization "counter-protestors" when we should not be giving free advertising to hate at all.  Hate speech, and the organizations that spread it, should not take advantage of getting free press to spread their message.  We know they're haters.  We get it.  I'm a queer.  But I'm also cute and funny and smart.

At the end of the day, maybe too smart and I think too much.

Let's work on changing the message we put out.  Instead of the headline "Hundreds block Westboro Baptist Church from funeral" we should say "Hundreds turn out to show their respect to a soldier."  Yes, I mentioned that group.  But do you see the change in the message?  Better - do you FEEL the change in the message?  Rather than being initially filled with their hate/disgust, aren't you immediately thinking how awesome it must have felt to the family of the soldier to have hundreds show respect?  That's big.  That's beyond big.  That's a change that we can make - focus on love only.  Don't give hate an entry.  Instead, the message is love, acceptance, and strangers (for the most part) coming together to speak over hate.  And since love is louder than hate, let's not even mention it again.

Can't save the world...

My epiphany moment today - big enough that it's caused me to take to my rarely used blog - is that I cannot save the world.  I have moments that I think I'm super.  And I am a man.  But I'm not superman.  I'm a regular guy, with thoughts and emotions, that wants to change the world.  Let's face it, even those in powerful positions rarely change the world.
So I'm setting my bar lower.  I'm going to change my world.  My family, my friends.  I have passion.  I definitely have strong opinions.  At the end of it all, I have no fear.  Sure, I am still afraid of heights, I don't want to drown, but interpersonal relationships, communications...none.  What's the worst you can say to me?  And will your worst change me?
No.  I know who I am.  At my core, I think I've known the answer to that question longer than I would acknowledge.  I'm stronger than anyone, including myself, thinks.  Last year (2012), I somehow managed to breathe, stand up, and walk after the absolute worst thing that could have happened.
Rather than change the world, I'm letting me out.  And hopefully the world will follow.
     "I may be disturbed but won't you concede, even heroes have the right to dream."
                  -Five for Fighting.