Red box, part 2

As promised, part two of the red box...

I was able to play in the 2006 Outgames in Montreal.  For the opening ceremonies, they had the all athletes line up from what I presumed to be the rear of the Olympic Stadium.  From that side, we never saw any spectators coming into the stadium.  The walk in began after the ceremony started and began outside but slowly we made our way into the tunnels below the stadium.  And then it got darker as we entered the last little tunnel before the stadium and walked in....

And we were not alone.  What seemed like the entire city of Montreal was up in the stands cheering.  For us!  Most of weren't from Montreal or even Canada but they were there to show their excitement and support and welcoming us to the city.

That's the little red equal on the pages I see of family and friends.  It means that though they may not be gay, they understand love.  It's a sign that this battle for the right to shout to the world about the man I love is a true.  It's a sign that because of interactions they've had with either other gays or myself, they realize that we are human (shock) and that we love (bigger shock).  It's a swell of pride and affection from me to anyone that finally gets it - I am not defined by a book that calls me a sinner but I define myself by being who I am and loving who my heart chooses.

It also means I need to plan a bigger wedding.  Good thing I'm not engaged yet.

That red box...

Today the Supreme Court heard arguments for/against California's Prop 8; tomorrow it'll be the Defense of Marriage Act.  In solidarity/support, the red equal sign has been appearing on profiles and hopefully more will add it.  But I thought I'd write a different stance on it and say what it means to me...

<deep thoughts, by me>

I put the red box on my page to show I'm not less than. I'm not less than straight family and friends that have had the chance to go through their weddings and spend their lives with the partner they love most.  I've been told and heard from churches and those that don't know me (even some that do), that I am less than worthy.  Worthy of what though?  Was I born this way or did I choose to live this way?  The answer, quite frankly, is both.  My earliest memory of being "different" but not knowing what that difference was,,,,I was in first grade.  Six years old roughly.  I had no idea what "gay" meant but I knew I was NOT wired like the other boys.  And I hid that for years, from others but mostly from myself.
This is where the choice to be gay comes in.  I could have kept up that charade, married a woman, maybe had children.  But what would that life have been?  I would have been miserable, she would have been miserable.  My choice was to live my life for me, to be who I was made to be and to share with my family and friends me - being happy.  For anyone that knew me prior to "coming out," I was a shadow of the man I am today.  In simple words, I was miserable.
But the red box is a break from that.  It's me, claiming my right AS A HUMAN and a citizen of this country.  It's me saying that should I be lucky enough to find someone I want to spend the rest of my life with, I can.  And I will.

And tomorrow, I'll tell you what that red box means when I see it on other profiles.....

Loss....

"X" is on my mind again this week.  One reminder I have every month - when the child support is due. In our case, it was food for the dog and cat and the cat litter.  Plus any other treats he thought they needed.  Baxter's skateboard was never taken out of the box.  Sorry.

Baxter's food bag was emptied this morning, which means I have to buy him and the cat more.  It's obviously no big deal but it brings X to the forefront of my mind monthly.  And this reminder I'll always have.  Grateful for the memories, sad for the loss.

The other reminder of loss I've had this week came in conversation with a friend that lost someone last year as well.  I've told people this before so I may as well put it down - as a society, we do/say what we think needs to be done/said when someone passes.  Sympathy or empathy, we are there for them.  Initially.  But what society can never prepare us for is being on the "receiving" end of loss.  Whether you think five or seven stages is the logical model, that's just a model.  There's no set pattern.  And we're hit in sometimes the most odd moment with an emotion that takes us back to that point of time when we shattered.

When "S" had that moment this week, she did something that not many people can - I couldn't.  She reached out to me, someone that had been in that moment before.  And while she and I are separated by distance, in that moment, I was by her side, knowing there is nothing I can say to lessen the pain.

My advice to anyone that has a friend, family member dealing with loss is below....
     - Let them grieve how they will.  Don't try and bring out a stage.  They all happen.  With time.
     - Love them.  Unconditionally.
     - No words can fill the void.  None.  So don't try.  We just want someone by our side.  Even in silence.