...and I feel fine.

It's the end of the world as we know it....

Or maybe one week from the end of the world.  The Mayans, with all of their superior intelligence, couldn't carry the one.  Or something like that.  I think there's a small part of me hoping for zombies.  My ex had a theory about end of the world predictions and with the latest one coming up fast, I've been thinking about it.  A lot.
His theory was that those predictions are not necessarily 100 percent wrong.  Meaning that for someone, someplace, something happened that caused it to feel like the end.  Fire, earthquake, death.  It makes sense.  My world ended in January and I'm still trying to figure out why/how the sun rises every morning.  I've had friends that lost a partner this year, family that suffered through droughts and to each of them, in their own manner, that was the end.  But for each of us, we slowly find a way to get up the next morning.  There are mornings when staying in bed seems like the best option.  But the bulldog wouldn't have that.  For 11 months, he's gotten me to take the first step of the day, without realizing that some (most) days, the only step I've wanted to take is to pull the covers up higher.
I am meant to carry on, just as my friends and family are meant to carry on.  We do it, not because we necessarily want to, but more because we need to.

Thinking about...

I've been thinking about 'X' a lot these past few days.  Maybe it was the move, maybe it's the weather.  I don't really know what it is that's driving me to these thoughts.  I miss his laugh, his smile.  The way he said my name.  I miss knowing I could call him right now if I needed to borrow a hammer.  Or to vent about something.  Anything.

I've told people that last March, I lost my partner.  In January, I lost my best friend.

How does one move on?  I have to remember that he would want me to move on.  Grieving and remembrance should continue but I should also live my life now.  Or try to.  I'm having my moments.  I think I've turned a corner of sorts.  But I still cry for his memory.  I wish he could walk Baxter again.  I wish I could tell him a corny joke or hear his take on presidential politics - he would have LOVED this election cycle.  God, he would have loved it.

I don't watch the news much to be honest.  Primarily for that last line.  The last time about a month ago I watched one of the Sunday morning shows, I picked up my phone to call him.  And he will never be there again.

Moving day

Moving today from one studio apartment into a one bedroom in the same building.  I have not been motivated to move in the least.  And it hit me at some point - this is the FIRST move since 1999 that "X" hasn't been involved in any way.  Wow.  Every other move was with him.  There's still a sense of power, control and newness.  And I really think that all of those feelings are valid and true.
I cannot NOT acknowledge him in this move.  To do so, I think, would be unhealthy.  I get that he's been such an active part of my life, even in death, that to move along and ignore/avoid the obvious would make me crazy.
I'm excited for the new place; both the dog and the cat are tepid at best.  DC, the cat, has moved with me six times while Baxter, the bulldog, has moved with me three.  They freak out when I leave but they are ever so excited when I come back.  Even though I'm coming back with my arms full of shit and only want them to get out of my path so I can put it down.  =)

Obsession for me...

I am about to take the leap into the unknown.  My life as I know it will have a shake up - bigger than before.  And all within my control.  Control.  What a powerful word.  I'm taking the steps to reclaim my life and to make it what the ex thought it could be.  He thought more and gave me more than I ever thought I could gain.  As I sit here typing, I realize and understand that control has been out of my hands for awhile and taking it back is the best thing I could give to myself.
Control.  Along with control comes power.  Great power.  I have the ability and the opportunity to change not only my life but the lives of those around.  What can/should I do with that power, not only for my life but for the greater good.  From a poem I wrote, the phrase "I stand because he stood" jumps off the page. Integrity.  Value.  Lifting up the next.  Those are the attributes he stood for.  And now I stand.  I stand to find a way make a bigger impact - to leave my mark.
Stand.  Control.  Power.  It all comes back to that first step.  One, small step.  Closing my eyes.  And moving forward...

Much has changed....

That first post below was written at a time when I was still putting my life back together.  You may be happy to know I was getting there...

Cut to January.  And the death of my ex.

Life has a funny way of throwing in roadblocks and detours and other shitty obstacles.  This blog is going to get started for real now.  Four months after his death and the grieving process is still ongoing.  Don't tell me how to grieve or where I should be.  I have my moments.  The journey now, as life would have it, is to find myself.  Remember what it was that made me.  Finding my path to the future, with a bulldog named Baxter along for the ride.  It may be boring at times but it's really where I am.

Life.  Get on.  Sit down.  Shut up.  It's gonna be bumpy.